My suicide story:
I have BPD and I've flirted with suicide/self-harming over the last decade or so. Six weeks ago, something snapped, I'm not sure what triggered it, but something was triggered and I was hell bent on harming myself, possibly to the death. I did cut my lower calf open with two deep lacerations. A week later, I started slicing my left thigh with short deep cuts. The week after, I moved onto the right thigh with the same deep, short cuts. Two and a half weeks ago I overdosed on sleeping pills. I was in and out of the ER within hours. Two days later, I took double the amount (60) plus I had a blood alcohal level of 4.0. I ended up crashing in the ambulance but they receitated me. I was then locked in the psych ward for four days. This isn't the real story, this is just background.
I stayed with my parents for a few days which made me crazier...if that's even possible! LOL! A few days later, I moved back home and started feeling depressed again. Instead of dealing with it, I started drinking again. On sunday night, I started writing suicide letters with the intention of ending my life by jumping off the lions gate bridge that night. One of my good friends (mike, my tattoo artist....), called me and asked what I was up to. I told him I was writing suicide letters, just for therapuetic purposes though. Twenty minutes later he showed up at my front door. I didn't think he would actually come over, everyone else believed my lie that night. Writing is therapy! So he came in and I went to the washroom. I had to change my suicide plan fast! He came barging in after a few minutes to find me downing pills. He pushed me into the bathtub (which fuckin' hurt but he had to do something to get me away from the drugs) and then flushed the pills down the toilet. Then he packed me up and put me in MY car and drove me to the ER. He told me to wait in the waiting room while he checked me in. He didn't realise that I had another bottle of pills in my purse and I downed those before anyone noticed. That's the last thing I remember.
This is what Mike told me after:
I started to fall asleep in the waiting room and a nurse took over and told him to go home. At 2:30am he got a call from a social worker saying that I had had a grand mal seizure and my heart stopped three times before they got it started again. I was also intubated which was the only thing keeping me alive at the moment. I apparently woke up monday night and recognised mike by my side (my parents hadn't been informed of the situation as of yet). The first thing I remember is tuesday night, waking up and seeing my parents and then mike arrive. They transferred me from the ICU (critical care) to the ACU (acute care) the next day. Every single vein and attery is blown (I have about 40 needle marks....my groin is completely bruised from the femoral artery transfussion.). Basically I feel like I've been run over by a train....I look it too. There isn't a part of me that isn't bruised, bloodshot, pale, drawn or scabbed. Anyways I'm out. I'm surviving. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. It sucks but I'm working on getting better. Many other people have left or stopped talking to me. It's hard I get it, but try and imagine what I feel like. Everytime someone says something negative, I'm tempted to end it all. I just need some positive around me and I can't find it. Which is why I'm turning to this community. Help me with the positive. I can't do this on my own. I need people to support me, to tell me I can make it.
I inadvertently tried to end my life on my mum's birthday. She had a nervous breakdown. I didn't mean for the timing but once I'm depressed, I'm only thinking about myself. I feel so guilty now. The only way I can deal with it is with humour but my friends don't appreciate it. It's something that scared them so badly they can't joke about it. It scared me too! I never want to go through that or put people thru that again but joking is the only coping mechanism I know.
Help me.
I'm not excpexting a cure, I have a shrink, meds and AA for that.
I have BPD and I've flirted with suicide/self-harming over the last decade or so. Six weeks ago, something snapped, I'm not sure what triggered it, but something was triggered and I was hell bent on harming myself, possibly to the death. I did cut my lower calf open with two deep lacerations. A week later, I started slicing my left thigh with short deep cuts. The week after, I moved onto the right thigh with the same deep, short cuts. Two and a half weeks ago I overdosed on sleeping pills. I was in and out of the ER within hours. Two days later, I took double the amount (60) plus I had a blood alcohal level of 4.0. I ended up crashing in the ambulance but they receitated me. I was then locked in the psych ward for four days. This isn't the real story, this is just background.
I stayed with my parents for a few days which made me crazier...if that's even possible! LOL! A few days later, I moved back home and started feeling depressed again. Instead of dealing with it, I started drinking again. On sunday night, I started writing suicide letters with the intention of ending my life by jumping off the lions gate bridge that night. One of my good friends (mike, my tattoo artist....), called me and asked what I was up to. I told him I was writing suicide letters, just for therapuetic purposes though. Twenty minutes later he showed up at my front door. I didn't think he would actually come over, everyone else believed my lie that night. Writing is therapy! So he came in and I went to the washroom. I had to change my suicide plan fast! He came barging in after a few minutes to find me downing pills. He pushed me into the bathtub (which fuckin' hurt but he had to do something to get me away from the drugs) and then flushed the pills down the toilet. Then he packed me up and put me in MY car and drove me to the ER. He told me to wait in the waiting room while he checked me in. He didn't realise that I had another bottle of pills in my purse and I downed those before anyone noticed. That's the last thing I remember.
This is what Mike told me after:
I started to fall asleep in the waiting room and a nurse took over and told him to go home. At 2:30am he got a call from a social worker saying that I had had a grand mal seizure and my heart stopped three times before they got it started again. I was also intubated which was the only thing keeping me alive at the moment. I apparently woke up monday night and recognised mike by my side (my parents hadn't been informed of the situation as of yet). The first thing I remember is tuesday night, waking up and seeing my parents and then mike arrive. They transferred me from the ICU (critical care) to the ACU (acute care) the next day. Every single vein and attery is blown (I have about 40 needle marks....my groin is completely bruised from the femoral artery transfussion.). Basically I feel like I've been run over by a train....I look it too. There isn't a part of me that isn't bruised, bloodshot, pale, drawn or scabbed. Anyways I'm out. I'm surviving. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. It sucks but I'm working on getting better. Many other people have left or stopped talking to me. It's hard I get it, but try and imagine what I feel like. Everytime someone says something negative, I'm tempted to end it all. I just need some positive around me and I can't find it. Which is why I'm turning to this community. Help me with the positive. I can't do this on my own. I need people to support me, to tell me I can make it.
I inadvertently tried to end my life on my mum's birthday. She had a nervous breakdown. I didn't mean for the timing but once I'm depressed, I'm only thinking about myself. I feel so guilty now. The only way I can deal with it is with humour but my friends don't appreciate it. It's something that scared them so badly they can't joke about it. It scared me too! I never want to go through that or put people thru that again but joking is the only coping mechanism I know.
Help me.
I'm not excpexting a cure, I have a shrink, meds and AA for that.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
there's not a lot that I can say to that. I sent you a message, I hope you're doing well and... well, that's about it, for now at least.
I dunno. Seems like good worthwhile people to me. If I could do something to make you happier I'd actually make an effort and everything. Grins. I dunno. sorry for the humor if it ain't appropriate. You just seem like a peach and I'm sorry that life or the world made you feel bad.