timore

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had grown up in a normal home or even had a somewhat normal life. I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't seen drug addiction before I saw myself potty trained. I wonder what life would be like if I didn't know hurt so deep that it feels like there is nothing left. I guess I need to stop wondering, it doesn't make things any better.

I realize that I feel like I have no family and it isn't all that sad. Well it is sad but you kind of have to desensitize yourself to some shit after a while. Last night I was laying in bed wishing someone were holding me. I realized I was just wishing for someone and not my man and now I wonder what that means, if anything. Also today one of my best friends got mad at me and I didn't even care or try to talk to her. I feel like if she never calls me again I don't care, not because I don't care about her, but I think her problems are so petty and stupid right now that I don't want to be friends with someone so shallow. I'm a fucking bitch, but I did get 100% donations for my department at work for United Way. I can't be all that bad.

I'm warming myself with a hairdryer right now.
I don't sleep much anymore.
I'm pretty sure I'd do coke if I had it.