"All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new"
-wilco
Things just keep getting worse it seems. I just don't know how to handle anything anymore. It seems as if i'm looking into a reflection of someone i used to be. my past my past my past. And i've fucked all of the future up it seems.
First, i manage to fuck up the relationship I had with my favorite person in the whole world. I lost him for a stupid drug. A drug that means nothing to me now. All i want is my life back. The life I had where I had a boyfriend (instead of a husband) that loved me, supported me, gave me everything i could want. He's gone now. Taken over by a better version of me. Her. I want him back and he is all i can think of. I don't think i've ever felt so hurt in a long time. It just keeps welling up in my chest...pain..the lump. His cold shoulder.
I don't really think i am a bad person. So I hid doing cocaine from my boyfriend. He just couldn't know because i couldn't face his dissaproval. I wish i could have back then. I would be better off today.
I suppose what really fucked me is that i am a manic depressive named me. He also said he couldn't handle looking after me anymore. Can i believe it's been over a year since we met. On here.
Yes yes all this sounds pathetic i know. But i really need to get all this off my chest.
Second, I was fired from my job because of my depression (missing too much work) almost a year ago. I have been on over 50 job interviews and been rejected everytime. I even got rejected once by them telling me I was TOO experienced and talented for the job. I'm at the end of my rope. Today i applied for about 15 good design jobs. Major companies, small companies, etc. Oh, and i even got a rejection email today before they could even speak with me. I just don't know what i am doing wrong. I am very creative, know my software, and i'm a hard worker. Nobody seems to get that yet!
Why is my karma so bad right now?
Thirdly i am married. Have been for almost 6 years now. I was seperated for 2...when i was in my relationship with Sue. Now i am back in the marriage and more miserable than ever. I married a great guy, unfortunately one i must leave once again.
I wasn't meant to live this part of my life as someone's possession. I can't take much more.
The part i can't seem to shake is that i can't leave until i find that job. I have absolutely no way to support myself otherwise. I just want my freedom and independence back. I feel helpless and weak.
Lastly, every one of my friends has abandoned me it seems. I dont' know if it is because of the stuff that happened with my ex, or i am just being paranoid. Just seems i'm never included in anything with girls. I can't remember the last time i had a friend.
And my dog died too. j/k
just seemed fitting for the end.
what do i do? how do you steal the boy back from the girl who stole him from you in the first place.
i should probably move on. but there is no closure yet. what am i doing wrong in my job search?
i think i am crazy fo real yo.
PS- i think i am quitting smoking green for awhile too. Will probably clear my head some.
I know I would die if I could come back new"
-wilco
Things just keep getting worse it seems. I just don't know how to handle anything anymore. It seems as if i'm looking into a reflection of someone i used to be. my past my past my past. And i've fucked all of the future up it seems.
First, i manage to fuck up the relationship I had with my favorite person in the whole world. I lost him for a stupid drug. A drug that means nothing to me now. All i want is my life back. The life I had where I had a boyfriend (instead of a husband) that loved me, supported me, gave me everything i could want. He's gone now. Taken over by a better version of me. Her. I want him back and he is all i can think of. I don't think i've ever felt so hurt in a long time. It just keeps welling up in my chest...pain..the lump. His cold shoulder.
I don't really think i am a bad person. So I hid doing cocaine from my boyfriend. He just couldn't know because i couldn't face his dissaproval. I wish i could have back then. I would be better off today.
I suppose what really fucked me is that i am a manic depressive named me. He also said he couldn't handle looking after me anymore. Can i believe it's been over a year since we met. On here.
Yes yes all this sounds pathetic i know. But i really need to get all this off my chest.
Second, I was fired from my job because of my depression (missing too much work) almost a year ago. I have been on over 50 job interviews and been rejected everytime. I even got rejected once by them telling me I was TOO experienced and talented for the job. I'm at the end of my rope. Today i applied for about 15 good design jobs. Major companies, small companies, etc. Oh, and i even got a rejection email today before they could even speak with me. I just don't know what i am doing wrong. I am very creative, know my software, and i'm a hard worker. Nobody seems to get that yet!
Why is my karma so bad right now?
Thirdly i am married. Have been for almost 6 years now. I was seperated for 2...when i was in my relationship with Sue. Now i am back in the marriage and more miserable than ever. I married a great guy, unfortunately one i must leave once again.
I wasn't meant to live this part of my life as someone's possession. I can't take much more.
The part i can't seem to shake is that i can't leave until i find that job. I have absolutely no way to support myself otherwise. I just want my freedom and independence back. I feel helpless and weak.
Lastly, every one of my friends has abandoned me it seems. I dont' know if it is because of the stuff that happened with my ex, or i am just being paranoid. Just seems i'm never included in anything with girls. I can't remember the last time i had a friend.
And my dog died too. j/k
just seemed fitting for the end.
what do i do? how do you steal the boy back from the girl who stole him from you in the first place.
i should probably move on. but there is no closure yet. what am i doing wrong in my job search?
i think i am crazy fo real yo.
PS- i think i am quitting smoking green for awhile too. Will probably clear my head some.
do what you need to do to make yourself happy. small steps make a huge difference too. make a priorities list, sort of a life to-do list. lists always help me clear my head.
i hope things get better soon, and im sorry about your dog.