timeoftheeclipse

ever heard ths silverchair album 'diorama'?
its a total masterpiece, big and bombastic
its beautiful
and its what ive been listening to all day
its kind of a melancholy album
but that suits my mood today
its just one of those days where ya feel.... whatever

ive forgotten how to express myself
ive forgotten how to write a paragraph

i dont know what to d anymore
my life may be goign thru some serious changes soon
and maybe not all for good
i just dont know what to do anyymore
or how to express it

i wish i oculd give you guys a happy post once in a while
but it seems this is the only place i can come to let all this shit out anymore

fuuuuuuuuuck
ive got so many things to say
and i dont know how to say them anymore

i kinda got in a fight with stephanie tonight
it sucks
i really wanted to talk to her
i miss her
but the other day i sent her a text asking if she could meet me on messenger
she said she couldnt cuz a friend of hers was in town
of course i was dissappointed, i missed her a lot that day
and i just wanted to spend time with her
so yesterday i went back to work for the first time in two weeks
and got home and just crashed
i was spent, it sucked
so i didnt msg her liek i normally would have
so tonight when i message her
i tell her im a bit down
and she asked me if i was down because i had been sulking that she went out with her friend
she only sent me one more message after that saying she missed me
but i dont fucking know what to do anymore
i dont even know what im trying to say
im frustrated
im sad
im worried
and i really really dont want to lose my apartment
but i may not have a choice
why cant i jsut get healthy again so i don thave to be off work
where has my magic gone that used to spin my words into thoughts and emotions
why cant i say the things that used to come so easily
i feel like laying down and crying until im asleep
adn sleep for as long as my body can possible stand it
and then when i wake up
maybe things will be different
maybe when i wake up
so will the magic thats been hiding inside me
maybe when i wake up ill be healthy
maybe when i wake up itll be morning and stephanie will be next to me
maybe when i wake up
ill have some answers


**EDIT**
so im sitting here now, watching lightning in the distance. my sense of melancholy deepening everytime the light dances across my window. im trying to remember the last time i was in control, and i cant really remember. i think it was when i was in clagary. i was happy then. but im not even sure thats when it was. i want change. i need change. but at the same time, i want to instigate the change, not have it thrust upon me. im really scared about my future right now. i feel like everything i hvae been working towards happening is moments away from slipping away from me. and im not sure what to do to stop it. i wish i knew what had brought on this bout of sadness, but i woke up this afternoon and it was upon me. i dont know why. i get like this sometimes. maybe its jsut my downtime. i dont want to lose everything ive got.
i wish it would rain outside. rain always makes me happy. but it wont. it just keeps splashing the sky with blue light, bringing me closer to tears with every burst. i want to write an epic poem, or a song. something that will make people cry when they read it or hear it. but i dotn have it inside of me anymore. at one point, i oculd have. but i didnt and now i cant. i dont even know where to begin. i cant tell you the last time i put pen to paper. i used to consider myself a writer. i was a fool for doing that. i was never a writer. sladfjlkajoeiwh fshdniaunafdgehriubnhdb jsrt8hg984ghkajsdfgnkajsndva9i4ghiearjgfnaer8gfn


***EDIT2***
its raining now, has been for a fwe minutes.. but it hasnt made me feel any better. im jut gonna go lay in bed and listen to the rain til i can sleep

btw, if you made it this far, im still loking for new music suggestions...
help me