timeoftheeclipse

i dont really feel like doing this, but i probably should anyway.
im pretty convinced no one reads this anyway, so im basically talking to myself.
i drive around in the delivery van all day thinking how much easier it would be to speed up as fast as i can and ram into the back of a semi. just to end it all. it seems easier tht way.
i dont have anything left anymore, there is nothing inside me, no passion, no desire, no hope, nothing.
just pain lots and lots of pain
a few other things randomly pop up
but mainly pain
stephanie leaving me hasnt helped
its made things worse, not surprising
this depression started long before she left me
its part of the reason she left
the other part is she and i are on parallels right now
and shes trying to fix hersself in the same ways i should be
but ive given up caring, trying
it doesnt matter
i used to be able to fix myself
but it seems even that is beyond me now
i have no reason to
no desire
im 27
my life is nothing
i have nothing
i have accomplished nothing
and my future holds nothing
ive never been a cutter
but there are so many knves and razors in my wharhouse
i picked up an exacto knife the other day
and traced all the veins in my left forearm
not enough to bleed
jsut enough to know it was there
and i did it again today
it was an odd sensation
it almost felt good
made me want to go a little deeper
that almost scared me

i jsut dont know what to do anymore
i should get help, but i wont have insurance untilaugust, and i cant afford a therapist on my own
august seems like a lifetime away
ive begun to wonder if ill make it that long
i dont really know where im going with this
nothing is going to change
i hate myself