well,
things arent as bad as i had feared, but they are still pretty damned bad. bad in a different way.
now i somehow need to get over myself and be there to help her.
to make sure that she is ok and to help her deal with this.
sigh
she had a good reason for pushing me, and everyone else away. but i wont let her. we need to work through this.
i will be there for her
because i love her

also, i cant believe i have been so self involved and near-sighted as to not realize there was something wrong with her and not just us.
but i need to start working on getting back to being a good person again. i used to be humble, i used to be compassionate. i used to care.
now im just a porn addicted sociopath.
i need to be a person again
and im gonna need some help
i hope we can help each other become whole again