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Time of another update:

Work related:

Work has been rough the past month. It seems like I was the only one working hard to get things done. Management took notice and gave me a bonus of $1500 for my work. On top of that, they have also given me a $300 gift certificate for Future Shop. With the leaving of 3 people from the company, they have restored my salary and given me a $250 raise.

And in the end, I still want to leave. I know it is a dead end job for me and I can't get promoted any higher than where I am. I don't believe in the sales team or our product anymore. And I am questioning choices made by manager over certain things.

All in all, I know I should feel, but my heart says stay. Stupid heart.

Personal:

I have been feeling not pleasent as of late. There were many things and feelings building and being crushed in the last month.

To start off, I started falling for two girls at the same time. For the start it was good, I could spend time with them and enjoy their company. There was touching and kisses exchanged. In the end neither were fruitful.

The first girl I think I blew it because I wasn't aggressive enough, and visible enough. I did have this want of spending more time with her, but I thought that she was always busy doing things and such. This was not true as others called her out of the blue to spend time with her. I guess I could have did the same, if I didn't want her with her art/work as she originally claimed to be doing. There were many opportunities missed where I took the time to do the unselfish thing and let her be rather than be the selfish one and let others down. Even when I did get her attention, I could never maintain that intention for very long. And I understand that. She has many friend and is a social butterfly. That is why I was alway grateful for the attention I got. One of the people calling her out of the blue is now her current boyfriend. So I lost because of missed opportunties, bad timing and lack of aggression on my part.

The second girl I blew it because of a lack of aggression again and not being visible enough. This girl has just now started to date her upstairs neighbor. I relized this yesterday, after spending the evening with both her and her boyfriend, that he moved in the same day I had an awesome day with her. We had tea, I was brave enough to stroke her leg, we walked and talked, when we got be to her place she had a headache so I rubbed her head, we cuddled and watched a movie, and before I left I kissed her. But now she is in a relationship with her neighbor and it feels like I was over looked somehow... and not know anything about this guy or what happened, the only thing I can think of is, I didn't have home court advantage.

I don't blame either one for overlooking me and finding others. I have both of their boyfriends and I think they are awesome people. I like them and I can see why they were choosen over me. They both make me laugh. It is just something really tipped me yesterday...

We were all at this coffee shop. The two girls cuddling with their respective boyfriends with two other guys who are friends and me. So, there was a couple, another couple, the two friends talking and..... single me. Crap. If I didn't know I was alone before, I do now. This just put me in a mood where I felt awkward around them. I think what really puts me off is that I have desire to be holding those girls, but I can never, ever, do that. It makes my heart beat faster and my skin burn.

I think the reason why this makes my heart beat faster and skin burn is the same reason I want to be polyamourous. (I say want here because you have to practice it to be am. ) I never want to hide love. The love I have for others I never want to hide. If I love you I want to show it. Be it friendship, romantic or more, I never want to hide the love. I want to be able to hug, kiss, cuddle, caress when I want to. That is why there has to be communication and honesty involved.

Currently, I have to hide these desires which makes me feel guilty of having them and I get hurt. It is better me than anyone else right? But part of me still wants more from them and to become closer to them. If not romantically at least in friendship.

I don't want to loss either of these people as friends, that would be most unfulfilling. As such, I think I have to take a step back and not touch these girls when I see them. No hugs, not pats on the back, no bounderies crossed.

I think I am also going to take up a vow of silence. Why for you ask? Well, I noticed yesterday that my tounge had some venom on it. When I spoke some of the poison spewed out and hit some targets, unintentionally of course. Plus I got into a verbal pissing contest with one of the boyfriends, which was uncool of me. I should know and do better. They are all great people and I should respect their happiness. That is why I should probably pull a Silent Bob and only speak when there is something really important I want to say. Which will be never since I rarely talk at all.

On a creepy note:

I was walking to the train one morning, going to work as per usual, when I looked at one house as I passed. I noticed a balding middle-aged man standing in the window. He had on at wife beating shirt and boxer shorts. His hand was in his boxers playing with himself. And he was looking right at me.... creepy!

Well, I hope you all have a great day/week/month/monthes!