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fear...

When it comes to fear we all have one of two responses: fight or flight. It is grounded in our brains to do this. It maybe triggered through many events; being swamped with stuff at work that gives you stress, singing on a stage in front of an audience, talking to that beautiful person on the other side of the room, or even being stuck in traffic during rush hour. Our senses tell us that something is wrong and our instincts kick in, it is time to put up the dukes and battle it out, or to run away.

When the instincts are triggered for me, my first option has always been to get the hell out of situation. I don't drive anywhere for myself unless I know there is no other way to get there. I avoid talking to strangers because I am too nervous sometimes. My opinions are never heard from unless I am probed for them. I try not to get noticed, if I can help it. I speak only when spoken to quite often. If something is too hard for me to do, I usually drop it and walk away. I run, I hide, I dodge and I avoid.

As such, I have a hard time completing thing for me. My life is littered with goals and dreams that will never be completed, will never see the light of day. I have no motivation to succeed at my own goals because I am too scared to succeed. I rarely get what I want out of life, out of relationships.

If somebody else sets a goal for me, or asks me to do something, I am more compelled to complete the task. I think it comes down that I don't want to let this somebody down. If I see someone in trouble, I am always there to help out if I can. I put myself out there because it is the right thing to do in the situation. I can always find the motivation in helping someone else out.

Well, why can I do things for others but not me? Am I braver because I am doing something for someone else instead of myself? No. There is only one fear if I do something for somebody else, I will let them down if I fail. That gives me the motivation to see the goal to completion. Even then, it is not that big of a fear.

I also don't take risks. I play it safe. I don't drive over the speed limit, I drive with both my hands on the wheel, I will take being a friend over being a boyfriend when I first meet people, I don't gamble, I don't drink, I have limits set for myself that I will not cross. Why? It is easier, it is less stress, less fear.

So when it comes down to it, I am a coward. I always thought I was brave, but in truth, I run, I hide, I dodge, I avoid and I play dead. These are all things that a coward does. Fear moves me to be a coward, because I never face my fears. A brave person fights. Fights for what they believe in, what they know is true, what they want. I never do those things.

Why am I putting this down? I don't know. I am not going to go change the way I am anytime soon. I like me. If I did change would I lose all the things that I have been known to be? Would my identity be lost? Would all the things that people like about me be traded in for things that those same people might dislike, and thus grow to dislike me? Will I lose the ablity to listen to people? Will I lose my ability to observe? Will I become a jerk, if people don't already think I am one right now? Will I lose my tolerence and patience towards my fellow human? Will I lose the ability to see good everywhere I go? To see the brighter side of things? Will I lose my empathy? Will I fail to see passion in people's eyes and hearts? Will I become selfish?

So, I am a coward. I am going to remain a coward. Why? Because it is the easy way out. There is less fear here, less stress. So, if you need anything, I will be in my home, doors locked, hiding under my bedsheets.

Thanks for reading.

Have a great day!