Epilogue:
Hey kids. Dont worry I didnt kill myself if that is what you were wondering. I would never kill physical Til. I have made a promise to a friend when I was 10 that I would never kill myself.
I did do a good job on digital Til. He was removed from the intarweb for about a week. No journal, no email, no dating site, no porn. I spent most of my time just sulking around. I cried myself to sleep for about 5 days after. I was crushed to say the least.
I had questions in my mind like, How could I do that to a good friend, Why was I not worth saving, Will I ever get rid of this guilt I felt? Questions that I have not gotten answered.
About a week later, I found my way to SG. A place where I wanted to be for a while. I found this place back when I was a lowly student in University. I just didnt have the money for a while. I did want to join back in October but I couldnt get my credit card accepted for some reason. I am thankful that I did. I came here because this was a pay site and Carrie probably would not be able to find me.
Since I couldnt save myself, I went on a quest to find others to save. I started up another account on the same dating site. Because it is FREE. I like free things. I didnt put up any photos because I didnt want to get recognize. I wanted to hide myself. I did not want to find Carrie through a secret cloak or anything. I just didnt want to get spotted.
I did mange to help a couple of people. One woman in Texas was having a hard time dealing with her dying mother. I just said some kind words and she felt better. She even called me an angel. If only she knew that I was no where close
I helped a guy try to find a job in Calgary working for a oil company. It didnt work, but I tried.
There were a few others that I tried to help. Some liked my advice others didnt.
But with all internal wounds, they have a way being exposed to the surface. It wasnt long before I was showing my guilt to all.
I had also become very paranoid. I was worried that I was going to run into a friend of Carries and they would expose me for what I am A stalker. I am guilty of that as I was charged.
I am also guilty of one other thing. I lost faith. I lost faith in my friendship. I lost faith in the one of the few things I believe in, There is good in everyone. I forgot that for one second and thought the worse in people.
I started answering questions for the site to determine who your matches are. I answered about 500 when I went to go check my local match. Guess who is at the top of the list? That is right, Carrie. Now we are even a better match, if that is possible. The site even added an enemy percentage, 11% between me and Carrie. Do I defy odds? You bet your ass I do.
Not only did was she a good friend she infected me. I am glad she did. I believe that I am polyamorous, but have not put anything in practice yet. I still love games, I even want to get back into role playing again, because my dice are not going to be rolling themselves. I love Magic and I want to play again.
So now I know what I want from a friend too:
- Someone to support me
- Someone I can call up and do something with out of the blue
- Someone who is willing to call me up to do something out of the blue
- Someone who makes me laugh
- Someone I can play games with
- Someone who I can be open with
- Someone that makes me think
- Someone to talk to
To be my friend you dont have to fit all the categories, just one. I am looking for all these things.
I thank Carrie for what she did to me. She is the best friend I have ever had. Hands down.
On the bad side, I have tried to contact Carrie three times:
Once is when I saw her new dating profile. She was talking about how she is selfish and a brat. I never saw her in that light. She was not selfish. I was. She was not a brat. I was. I told her that, giving examples from what I saw of her. Not only directed towards me, but her husband, her friends. She is not a selfish person.
Second was to ask her to lift the band on my silence. She never responded.
Third was to tell her I was going to do this here. She had a veto power if she chose to use it. The message never got to her. Her email server bounced my email back saying that it was spam. More evidence that I am an evil fucking bastard that doesnt deserve friends.
I still feel guilty about what I did. But letting this story out makes me feel better. At least I dont have to paranoid about being exposed. I am no angel. I am no gentleman. I am a monster. I know this now. I just have to accept it.
And I am keep being brought back to this comic I found:
http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp10182005.shtml
The line:
Everyone hurts someone they care about. Its just part of being human. Hell Aubrey and I have trampled all over each others emotions for a quarter of a century now. One day youll do something thatll hurt me. But you know what? Ill hurt you as well. No one means to do it. It just happens. Sometimes the measure of friendship isnt your ability not to harm but (your) capacity to forgive the things done to you and ask for forgiveness for you own mistakes.
If given the opportunity, I would send my forgiveness to all those that I hurt, especially Carrie. I have made some grave mistakes.
If I could, I would ask for forgiveness from Mary, Jerry and Carrie.
Oh by the way I did get my house! I am living in the hood! 
THE END
I dont blame anyone if they remove yourselves from my friends list now. I understand that I might do to you what I did to Carrie.
Okay, now it is time to tell me where I went wrong. Comments and messages are being accepted now. If you are going to tell me where I went wrong, you better give me a method to prevent it in the future. The prevention should not be, you should do X next time. There should be a safety guard, like Next time you want to jump out of the plane, call me up and Ill come with you with a parachute.
Go it?
Have at er!
