tigerlily

so you've asked about the heart...



i left the city mid day today (barely missing by 15 minutes the fire on the bridge) to drive up to fairfax. fog clearing behind me, i enjoyed a ride i do rarely these days...after 5 years of working in marin, first at the discovery museum, and then as a nanny, it's odd for weeks to go by when i don't see the familiar views of the art deco arches, the headlands, fort baker. the gentle pace of fairfax (as the locals say, "mayberry on acid") welcomed me, as did the sunny face of little skye...my 5 year old friend who i've helped raised these past 3 years, and who i only randomly see these days since he started school. picking him up at his new kindergarten class, his hair smelling like little boy and peanut butter and sour milk, i load him up into the truck as he anticipates excitedly our sleep over together. with his mom at a retreat in harbin, i will have her beautiful rural home (complete with hottub) all to myself for the next 24 hours. he greets leo who waggles with joy, and we stop downtown for organic homemade icecream. he gets maple walnut, i get chocolate. we take a meandering walk down the main street, aiming for a video store so i can get entertainment when it's his bedtime. i peruse the videos, and skye runs back and forth behind me. he's really into magic right now, and every 2 minutes it's a new "trick", somewhat amusing, usually slightly tedious. he stops and looks up at me and says,

"do you know where i keep my magic?"

my eyes on the dvds i barely mumble..."uh uh..."

"my magic, i store it all in my heart. when i open my heart, you can see it...all the magic is there when you look in my open heart...see?" he raises his shirt to show me.

my own heart melting, i just smile at him and say, "yes skye, i do see..."

at the cash register, he stops again and says, "mary?"

i look down at him, digging in my purse for 15 cents...

"mary, i keep all my extra energy in my heart too, so if you ever need any, i have lots of it here for you,, ok?"



later on, back at his house, i call my friend jessica. the topic turns to the seeming chaos in the world...the hurricane, our government, are we prepared for disaster in the bay area? she's scared, and divulges conspiracy theories that her aunt has been telling her. i listen, tender heaviness in my chest. in the sky in front of me, backdropped by mountains, the swallows have come out for their evening meal. 50 or so birds swoop and dive, their simple act of survival and artistic dance, joyous and fierce. higher above, hawks and turkey vultures are swirling. away from the mental cesspool of the city, i breathe in cleaner air and remember that it's still possible to feel that all is right in the world.


at night, skye and i make homemade pizza...his half with organic cheddar cheese, green onions, heirloom tomatos. my half has goat cheese, olives, mushrooms, zucchini. he is ecstatic at the results of his efforts, and he raises his mug of water for a toast. clinking it against my beer he says, "to my babysitter, my mom and my dad, who i love very much".

my heart? it's so very raw. and i am so very grateful...for multitudinous love, friendship, children, luxury. clean clothes, water, stable ground under my feet. a big fuzzy dog. good health. that i have things so good i can actually afford to complain. and the good fortune to realize that i am so very rich.