hello my dears. i'm missing you and apologize for not being around much to check in on your lives. this is a big transition time for me, and i'm definitely still in the middle of it. also, what with the disaster in louisiana and famine and drought in africa, my emotional energy has been redirected towards those in need. i'm sure you all can relate...i think we're all a mixture of shock, despair, and genuine compassion mixed with futility knowing that there's only so much we can do. prayers and thoughts and sending maitri really does make a difference tho, and i hope whatever works for you, you're finding a way to extend yourselves.
for those of you who don't know, and i think that includes a lot of you, i'm going to grad school and studying to get my MA (and eventually my MFT) in integral counseling psychology. i'm going to an alternative private institute, where i'm spending exorbitant amounts of student loans, but also getting the opportunity to learn from the cream of the crop. at least i'm getting what i'm paying for, since the folks that teach there are on the cutting edge of consciousness studies, modalities of psychology and spirituality and holistic thinking. my process leading up to this was extraordinarily loaded, so much of the last three weeks has just been finally moving through my blocks and anxiety of the last two years. now i'm beginning to settle in a bit more, and it's interesting what is coming up...some of which validates my concerns about doing this program in the first place, and some which excites me.
i've had the odd experience of periodically flashing back to my time as an undergrad 11-15 years ago, something i hadn't expected. i studied theatre arts for my BA, and much of my time was spent learning how to flip off of someone elses back, or how to paint my face to look like a gargoyle, rehearsing a silent chase scene with an invisible dog, or moving in a meditative state with a group of 10 people, trying to link up in such a way that we went from single mind to group mind...in other words, very hands on, very physical, very present, and very creative. and i'll find myself in the middle of a lecture, suddenly having a visceral memory of holding on to someone's hands and experimenting with counterbalance and where the center of gravity was between us.
it's clear to me that this is in a great part because this program is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo intellectual. the reason i chose this school is because it's also far more experiential than any other program....but in my classes so far, i have yet to experience this. having rejected linear, patriarchal, 'higher learning' for so long, i suddenly find myself feeling like i unwittingly have joined enemy ranks. in one of my classes, an elective on dreams, we are using as one of our texts "integral psychology"....a book by ken wilbur that attempts to create an entirely new and encompassing system of thought that incorporates ALL paradigms on human consciousness and psychology and development. good stuff. important stuff. HEADY STUFF. more than once i have had to put the book down in irritation, thinking, jesus christ, this is just mental masturbation. the dude goes on ad nauseum, using words that he developed to go with his system that he developed, that exists, apparently, inside his sadly overactive brain. i've heard that socially he's incredibly awkward....DUH! the guy needs to get out more. and i've gotten more clear than ever before on where i parted long ago with some types of learning.
thing is....i'm not knocking the validity or usefulness of this kind of thinking, but what i will say is that i am meeting a huge amount of resistance in myself. the same resistance i met in elementary school trying to learn math. it's all just concepts. i can't get past thinking that on a universal, immediate, present level, it just doesn't matter.. or more specifically, I DON'T CARE. it's so conceptual and feels like castles built in the air. huge, intricate, complicated structures of mental categorization that really just doesn't impact my personal experience of being a physical, emotional human. and it feels like a gigantic waste of time. i sit in class, and i'm definitely interested, but in this arbitrary sort of way. it could be a class on rocket construction or the history of the stone masons, or whatever.... i might find it interesting, but in a distracted sort of way...like watching a tv show on the learning channel that i just happened to come across. and i remember now, my experience at humboldt state, of sitting in some required lecture course, and consoling myself with the fact that in an hour i'd have my class on foreign accents or physical theatre, and i could really get back to the juicyness of life....to playing and expressing and being and ultimately...loving.
so i'm still going for it, this is simply where i am right now....i have a whole semester to give it a go. in the meantime, here is a picture from my new favorite artist. you can see her stuff here under alexis mckenzie. this is how i feel, what my heart desires to soak in, what the world looks like through the filter of my soul...and there's nothing heady about it...
for those of you who don't know, and i think that includes a lot of you, i'm going to grad school and studying to get my MA (and eventually my MFT) in integral counseling psychology. i'm going to an alternative private institute, where i'm spending exorbitant amounts of student loans, but also getting the opportunity to learn from the cream of the crop. at least i'm getting what i'm paying for, since the folks that teach there are on the cutting edge of consciousness studies, modalities of psychology and spirituality and holistic thinking. my process leading up to this was extraordinarily loaded, so much of the last three weeks has just been finally moving through my blocks and anxiety of the last two years. now i'm beginning to settle in a bit more, and it's interesting what is coming up...some of which validates my concerns about doing this program in the first place, and some which excites me.
i've had the odd experience of periodically flashing back to my time as an undergrad 11-15 years ago, something i hadn't expected. i studied theatre arts for my BA, and much of my time was spent learning how to flip off of someone elses back, or how to paint my face to look like a gargoyle, rehearsing a silent chase scene with an invisible dog, or moving in a meditative state with a group of 10 people, trying to link up in such a way that we went from single mind to group mind...in other words, very hands on, very physical, very present, and very creative. and i'll find myself in the middle of a lecture, suddenly having a visceral memory of holding on to someone's hands and experimenting with counterbalance and where the center of gravity was between us.
it's clear to me that this is in a great part because this program is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo intellectual. the reason i chose this school is because it's also far more experiential than any other program....but in my classes so far, i have yet to experience this. having rejected linear, patriarchal, 'higher learning' for so long, i suddenly find myself feeling like i unwittingly have joined enemy ranks. in one of my classes, an elective on dreams, we are using as one of our texts "integral psychology"....a book by ken wilbur that attempts to create an entirely new and encompassing system of thought that incorporates ALL paradigms on human consciousness and psychology and development. good stuff. important stuff. HEADY STUFF. more than once i have had to put the book down in irritation, thinking, jesus christ, this is just mental masturbation. the dude goes on ad nauseum, using words that he developed to go with his system that he developed, that exists, apparently, inside his sadly overactive brain. i've heard that socially he's incredibly awkward....DUH! the guy needs to get out more. and i've gotten more clear than ever before on where i parted long ago with some types of learning.
thing is....i'm not knocking the validity or usefulness of this kind of thinking, but what i will say is that i am meeting a huge amount of resistance in myself. the same resistance i met in elementary school trying to learn math. it's all just concepts. i can't get past thinking that on a universal, immediate, present level, it just doesn't matter.. or more specifically, I DON'T CARE. it's so conceptual and feels like castles built in the air. huge, intricate, complicated structures of mental categorization that really just doesn't impact my personal experience of being a physical, emotional human. and it feels like a gigantic waste of time. i sit in class, and i'm definitely interested, but in this arbitrary sort of way. it could be a class on rocket construction or the history of the stone masons, or whatever.... i might find it interesting, but in a distracted sort of way...like watching a tv show on the learning channel that i just happened to come across. and i remember now, my experience at humboldt state, of sitting in some required lecture course, and consoling myself with the fact that in an hour i'd have my class on foreign accents or physical theatre, and i could really get back to the juicyness of life....to playing and expressing and being and ultimately...loving.
so i'm still going for it, this is simply where i am right now....i have a whole semester to give it a go. in the meantime, here is a picture from my new favorite artist. you can see her stuff here under alexis mckenzie. this is how i feel, what my heart desires to soak in, what the world looks like through the filter of my soul...and there's nothing heady about it...
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
May I ask if my pic was in the Chron, too? I was interviewed for the article, but since he said it was coming out on Thurs., I didn't buy one on Wed.