ok i'm back...my 'puter was broken. but fortunately, my housemate tymm is a GEEEEEnius, and now it be fixed.
my brain is currently being squeezed by the sheer reality of going to grad school (orientation was today, classes start in a week). or rather, the sheer reality of entering a program that i feel iffy about, at best, and knowing that if i follow through, i'll be owing wells fargo bank $500 a month until i'm 65.
i don't mean to be a negative nellie. it's a wonderful problem to have...this opportunity. so many make do with far less. it's just...i'm scared. and having a hard time feeling just how full of possibility i know life to be. and plagued by the sense that i'm making a gigantic mistake. i can't tell if i'm just not brave enough to REALLY do what i want, or if this IS what i really want, and i'm just backing away from the responsibility. it was uncomfortable to be surrounded by this primarily intellectual atmosphere, when i've spent the majority of my adulthood in artistic communities...i kept looking around at everyone and thinking, "where are the freaks?" and i wonder if i made this decision of legitimizing myself based on the narrow minded assumption that i couldn't make a living as an artist. on the sense that at some point i'd have to get serious...and train myself to be something that i'm not. it was 2 years ago that i put this ball in motion...and a lot has changed since then.
recently i watched a video of the class i used to teach when i worked at a middle school as the drama instructor
. and at one point, during a rehearsal when everyone was being silly, a girl on stage shouted out, "i love you mary! and when i make my first million from being a famous actress, i'm going to donate it to the mary good fund!" and my voice from behind the camera laughed and said, "what's going to happen to me that i'm going to need a fund?"
hmmmm....i wonder if i can take her up on that.
my brain is currently being squeezed by the sheer reality of going to grad school (orientation was today, classes start in a week). or rather, the sheer reality of entering a program that i feel iffy about, at best, and knowing that if i follow through, i'll be owing wells fargo bank $500 a month until i'm 65.
i don't mean to be a negative nellie. it's a wonderful problem to have...this opportunity. so many make do with far less. it's just...i'm scared. and having a hard time feeling just how full of possibility i know life to be. and plagued by the sense that i'm making a gigantic mistake. i can't tell if i'm just not brave enough to REALLY do what i want, or if this IS what i really want, and i'm just backing away from the responsibility. it was uncomfortable to be surrounded by this primarily intellectual atmosphere, when i've spent the majority of my adulthood in artistic communities...i kept looking around at everyone and thinking, "where are the freaks?" and i wonder if i made this decision of legitimizing myself based on the narrow minded assumption that i couldn't make a living as an artist. on the sense that at some point i'd have to get serious...and train myself to be something that i'm not. it was 2 years ago that i put this ball in motion...and a lot has changed since then.
recently i watched a video of the class i used to teach when i worked at a middle school as the drama instructor
. and at one point, during a rehearsal when everyone was being silly, a girl on stage shouted out, "i love you mary! and when i make my first million from being a famous actress, i'm going to donate it to the mary good fund!" and my voice from behind the camera laughed and said, "what's going to happen to me that i'm going to need a fund?"
hmmmm....i wonder if i can take her up on that.
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whatever you do will be the right thing. it has to be.