a million of these to everyone who posted to my last journal. you really have no idea, but your words helped SO much. they were the only kindness to be found that day. thank you.
so no bonfire on the beach. but one certainly did rage right....There. in my heart. by yesterday it did feel like things had shifted. everything doesn't feel totally right side up yet, but i feel less....crumpled...
i love how everyone assumed my last entry was about relationship...what else usually gets us so hard up, huh? but it actually wasn't. my state of being definitely was making things more difficult with the boy, and we hit a rough patch for sure, but that was mainly a casualty of everything else. and when i mean everything, that's really how it's been. for the last month, any place in my life where i had been out of integrity, or letting things slide, suddenly reared a big fat hairy ugly head.
you name it. my approach to my material well being. the way i communicate. artistic expression. household dynamics. group dynamics. sexuality. self confidence. bbbllllaeeeeeaaaaccch.
it just got to be too much.
thing is, i know the answer to dealing with ANY of this is openness. and compassion, for myself, and others. but there come these times, when remaining open, or understanding, starts feeling too much like overcompromising. being too open starts making me feel like a doormat. sometimes you need to make a fuss. or call people on their shit. or just refuse to play the same old stupid game anymore. and then everyone gets pissy because you AREN'T playing. instead of being aggressive about it, i suppose the better thing to do is to be direct and honest. but this last month, two things happened.
1. being direct and honest, or rather, taking responsibility for my feelings, without blame, still wasn't affecting any change, and was actually enabling the problem.
2. being open when you feel like shit is REALLY REALLY hard. and being a scorpio, this is so not in my nature.
ok, but i'm back in the boat anyway. and feeling more like a warrior, and less like a damp matchstick. lets be friends. just cut out the crap, ok?
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i also feel some ugly head rearing is coming my way. I'm just trying to stave it off, or maybe just ignore it.. i have a tendency to do that, even though i know full well it doesn't work.. damn patterns.. some day soon