when did you first lose your innocence? what was the apple that made it all irrevocable? i was just thinking about the christian creation story, and how we all, at some point in our personal lives, have an incident that awakens us, and our heart breaks for the first time...where the veil is dropped and we begin longing for paradise lost.
i'm not sure for me...it could have been any number of incidents. three stick out the most. //warning: somber journal ahead//
1. i was five and over at a neighbor's house. she had a bunch of baby chicks that she was hatching for her second grade class. we had them out on the lawn, letting them run around. i wasn't watching what i was doing...i stepped back....i was horrified and had denial about what had just happened....
2. the realization that my parents would someday die. and that i would too. i was...maybe 6 or 7...sitting on the edge of their bed, swinging my legs, looking at the gold carpet....
3. the night i made the bad decision to ask if santa was real or not. this memory makes me laugh actually. when i found out the truth i went in my room and sobbed...and THEN...just when i thought it couldn't get any worse...it occured to me...DOES THAT GO FOR THE EASTERBUNNY AND THE TOOTHFAIRY TOO? aaaaaahhhh!!!!!
i hope i don't offend anyone by asking this...i know that for some peeps that innocence is taken from them through abuse...i feel fortunate that it may have just been the tooth fairy. and there was far FAR worse stuff that happened when i was a kid...but i'm just trying to put my finger on that very first moment. but maybe it wasn't just one bite...but several consecutive apples....trauma at school, problems with my brother....
share with me....
i'm not sure for me...it could have been any number of incidents. three stick out the most. //warning: somber journal ahead//
1. i was five and over at a neighbor's house. she had a bunch of baby chicks that she was hatching for her second grade class. we had them out on the lawn, letting them run around. i wasn't watching what i was doing...i stepped back....i was horrified and had denial about what had just happened....
2. the realization that my parents would someday die. and that i would too. i was...maybe 6 or 7...sitting on the edge of their bed, swinging my legs, looking at the gold carpet....
3. the night i made the bad decision to ask if santa was real or not. this memory makes me laugh actually. when i found out the truth i went in my room and sobbed...and THEN...just when i thought it couldn't get any worse...it occured to me...DOES THAT GO FOR THE EASTERBUNNY AND THE TOOTHFAIRY TOO? aaaaaahhhh!!!!!
i hope i don't offend anyone by asking this...i know that for some peeps that innocence is taken from them through abuse...i feel fortunate that it may have just been the tooth fairy. and there was far FAR worse stuff that happened when i was a kid...but i'm just trying to put my finger on that very first moment. but maybe it wasn't just one bite...but several consecutive apples....trauma at school, problems with my brother....
share with me....
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When i was five and i had just learned the alphabet. So i took 26 sheets and wrote each letter from A-Z. When my dad got home i tried to show him that i knew my alphabet... just as i started he stopped me and told me that he would be right back and i could show him there. WHen he left he was picked up that night and i didnt see him till 15 years later. Yeah thats when it all went to shit.
BAMF!
I'm still working on the singlehood although neither of us has admitted to being broken up. Probably has something to do with the fact that every time he is in town we're together, we talk on the phone several times a day, he just spent the last week with me, and his task of actually moving his things out seems to be dragging on longer and longer. Although, I know for a fact that he could have fit it all in the truck today. I'm the one who said he had to move out... out of state even. And he did and I'm not sad anymore. Now he is. Boy the tables have turned. Now he's the one have nightmares about me being with someone else, and so I may... soon. I'm going to be just fine.
I'm pretty excited about that Hickory Horn Devil page. Nearly 200 people have looked at it already. A newspaper has asked to use my story and linked my page to their site and the FL Dept. of Agriculture and Consumer Services already added a link to their site's Florida Butterflies & Moths section. I just love that there are more people out there like me... like us! I think I'll start working on a whole site soon... I've been inspired!!
Here are some of my moments of innocence and paradise lost:
1) Summercamp around the age of 7 I found a litter of newlyborn kittens hidden in a pile of old logs. Unfortunately one of the dogs that ran loose at camp was curious what I was doing and all I could do is watch horrified as it ate them.
2) Same summercamp, they had a pig and horses and cows in a back field for some unknow reason. One day this little red-headed stepchild type of kid was kicking and tormenting the pig. Well I jumped the fence and tackled him and kicked his ass to say the least and I was a skinny, tiny little thing.
3) Read my journal on perverts.
I was onto the whole Easterbunny, Toothfairy, Santa Claus thing. I was just too smart for my own good. Although I do remember my dad tormenting me one morning telling me that one of our cats had killed the Easterbunny. This is when I started to figure it all out.
You've got fantastic journals too. I'm so glad we talk.
*hearts sqp*