Had a pretty blah weekend. Didn't do much. Life is just kinda droning on lately. Same pitfalls I hit over and over. The more I think of things being like they used to be, the further away they seem to regain. I need to get out more because my craziness is just futher multiplied by being cooped inside most of the time. And being inside all the time leads to me just being more lazy and not wanting to go anywhere.
Other then all that I've just been feeling kinda lost, lofty, unanchored. Pretty unsure of what my passion is because I would like to have something like that to drive me to do better or be more assertive in not only my career (or lack thereof) but in my life. Is it that I have not really found my true passion yet, or just that I have already labeled what I thought it was as being unachievable, preventing me from truely pursuing it and allowing myself to be happy. Being constantly bit by the travel bug sucks when you can't afford to go anywhere
I only really have a couple friends out here that I hardly get to see, so I mean.... I dunno.
A connection closer to the heart just feels like it's been deteriorating as if there were acid poured onto it. I realize I can be discouraged rather easily, but sometimes one gets the feeling that they are at a complete loss and are trying to grasp onto a greased up rope toting a few thousand pounds. I'm still trying to hold onto the rope. Maybe too hard. What's happened to me and the way I used to be? Where has my confidence gone? What do I really expect to come? Some great reconciliation and BAM, everything's good again all of a sudden? That must be what I keep expecting and when I re-read what I just typed, it sounds pretty ridiculous. I had an interesting talk with a good friend of mine about bridging the gap between our, uh, "brain voice" (the one we use to talk to ourselves) and our "gut voice" (the one that tells you you want a pb&j). Also that some things we do as individuals are just product of how we're wired and you can't expect to be able to change that wiring on the fly. Some of my issues have to do with this and I can see that it has been and will continue to be a long road of hard work. Until then all I can do is be apologetic to all those who may have to deal with this uglier side of me.
...Or maybe I just fucking need to get out more. Spend more time with other people to give me something to actually talk about other then, well, comics...and video games.
My folks are going to India for a few weeks in Sept. I'm totally jealous and want to go, but I can't save up $1200 for the plane ticket alone. My mom's got some old friends out there and I know they'll have a blast traveling and whatnot. I know when I go out there some day I'll want to hang with one of the family friends, William. He's, well, typical of what you'd think of an ex-hippy, buddhist. He was a guy that argued with my mom about me being able to look at porn! "Why not? He'll see it soon enough anyway, what's the big deal?!" Haha.
I watched the whole season of Freaks & Geeks recently. I totally fucking love that show. It's just really good with plenty of "awwww" moments. Plus, there's this character Bill, who is the cutest kid on the planet and I want my son to be just like him. Turns out, if you have seen Knocked Up, he's the beard guy! Now I'm just sad the show never went on, but at least it had a good ending to the season
His rerun dance is the best, evar. Always makes me smile
i'm glad he makes you smile, it's a good thing.