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tiberius

Member Since 2004

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Wednesday Oct 13, 2004

Oct 13, 2004
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KURTZ STILL MISSING ON ENDOR
Death Star Dispatch
-Endor

COLONEL WALTER E. KURTZ is still missing after embarking on a covert mission to pacify EWOK resistance on the forest moon of Endor. Imperial spokesperson YAR VANDER says that Kurtz had orders to lead his team into the deep Endor woods and discover the location of the hidden Ewok villages. But after six cycles and no transmissions, Emperor Palpatine grows restless.

Vander had this to say: We received one last transmission from a person who we think is Kurtz But its pretty creepy.

I watched a womp rat crawl along the edge of a thermal detonator. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along a thermal detonator, and surviving "
But such ramblings seem highly out of character for the decorated Imperial officer. After an exemplary career in the Imperial Navy, commanding a Star Destroyer at the battles of Yavin and Hoth, Kurtz surprised his superiors by requesting a transfer to infantry.

Tough son of a bitch. The next youngest cadet was half his age And a clone! said Captain Nimajneb Dralliw, the officer currently assigned to investigate Kurtzs disappearance.

UPDATE:

Shortly after his dispatch, communications with Captain Dralliw were also lost. After another three cycles with no received transmissions, a wild eyed man claiming to be DENNIS HOPPER surrendered to Stormtroopers. When asked what he knew of Kurtz, Hopper responded, "hey, man, you don't talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind, like some BOmar Monk. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense.

Hopper claims that Kurtz and his troops have joined with Ewok resistance fighters and gone native, as it were. Theyre his children, man, said Hopper. But after describing Kurtzs compound, one of orgiastic violence and neo-paganism, Hopper responded, "The heads. You're talking about the heads. I, uh -- sometimes he goes too far, you know -- he's the first one to admit it!"

Hopper emerged from the forest with another recording of Kurtz; one where he describes the moment of his transformation:

I remember when I was with an AT-ST assault group... Seems a long time ago, in a galaxy far away...We went into a village to inoculate the Ewok babies for Polio. But later, this old Ewok came running after us, crying. We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile...A pile of fury little arms

DEVELOPING
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
kay:
You kill me, you know that? wink

If I had been in town longer, I definitely would have connected up with you. smile LAX could have used some entertainment value....

~cheers
Oct 13, 2004
paulnikon:
Some how you pick the news stories I would be most interested in.

I can quote that move. Snail on the edge of a straght razor.
Oct 13, 2004

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