Hurm... Not sure I like the new format... And man, did it throw me for a loop this morning. 
Anyhoo, enjoy...
1 DEAD, 7 INJURED AS KOOL-AID MAN RUNS AMOK
Omaha, NE
Like all children, seven-year-old JENNY SCHWARTZ was looking forward to her special day; her birthday. The cake had been lovingly prepared, balloons and streamers hung about her suburban home, and friends and family were gathering from near and far. But disaster struck when Jennys mother, thirty-eight-year-old AMANDA SCHWARTZ, chose to make Kool-Aid the afternoons beverage of choice.
As the children gathered to enjoy a cup of the artificially fruit-flavored drink, the inevitable catch phrase rang out: Oh Yeah! Thats when he appeared, said policeman DALE GUTHREY. (He) busted right through the living room wall.
For years the anthropomorphic pitcher known as the KOOL-AID MAN has acted as the jovial spokesman for the sugary treat. Famous for his trademark habit of breaking through walls while exclaiming Oh yeah, the Kool-Aid man is beloved by a generation. All of that changed, however, with his arrival at the Schwartz birthday festivities.
Its scared the beejesus outta the kids nana, Guthrey was quoted as saying. The old bird keeled over right there face down in the cake. The kids thought it was pretty funny, but when she didnt get up Well, thats a helluva thing to see when youre that age. The shock of the Kool-Aid Mans arrival sent seventy-three-year-old PHYLLIS BENDER into cardiac arrest. She was later pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics.
But the unfortunate incident did not stop there. Guthrey recounts: The kids scattered, but the girls father and stepbrother were pretty drunk at that point. They tried to subdue Mr. Aid, but Well, I think he may be Samoan. Witnesses are still being interviewed, but initial reports suggest that the Kool-Aid man, shocked and disoriented by Mrs. Benders collapse, tried to flee the scene. But when forty-eight-year old EDDY SCHWARTZ and eighteen-year-old DANNY MOLE SCHWARTZ attempted to intervene, he became frightened and instinctively fought back.
Thats the position of Mr. Aids manager, SAL KING. Lets look at the facts. Kool turned an unfortunate genetic condition into a career. And hes been doing this shtick for what? Almost thirty years now? Thirty years! And in all that time this is the first incident? Unfortunate? Yes. But criminal?
But authorities are now investigating if indeed this is an isolated incident as Mr. King asserts, or the latest in a series of close shaves with the law. Detective FRANK CARLSON had this to say: Theres a pretty suspicious paper trail. Large sums paid to families all around the country... all within days of childrens birthday parties. It could be hush money.
Adding to the furor is newly uncovered evidence suggesting that Mr. Aid had a far closer relationship with JIM JONES than was originally believed. Though he maintains a very private life, Aids religious beliefs have been described as extreme by some. Ex-fiance CHAIRY THE CHAIR, formerly of Pee Wees Playhouse fame, claims that after proposing marriage, Aids behavior turned increasingly bizarre. He insisted I wear this I dont know how to describe it Muumuu, I guess youd call it, with holes cut out in the genital region. Miss Chair also claims that Aid insisted she refer to him as the Star Master, and that she dedicate her life to preparing for the Circus of Reckoning; a future time in which Aid believes a space-faring race will lay waste to the Earth, sparing only those who swear allegiance to a cosmic deity known as Gandar.
King was quick to retaliate. Lets take a close look at where these allegations are coming from: a has-been actress who hasnt landed a part in over ten years. What was that last thing she did? She played a throne in that god-awful Coneheads movie, for cryin out loud (Snickering) And well, I suppose weve all seen that tape of her and MISS YVONNE by now.
Meanwhile, the Kool-Aid Man is out on five hundred thousand dollars bail as he awaits his preliminary hearing.
DEVELOPING
Anyhoo, enjoy...
1 DEAD, 7 INJURED AS KOOL-AID MAN RUNS AMOK
Omaha, NE
Like all children, seven-year-old JENNY SCHWARTZ was looking forward to her special day; her birthday. The cake had been lovingly prepared, balloons and streamers hung about her suburban home, and friends and family were gathering from near and far. But disaster struck when Jennys mother, thirty-eight-year-old AMANDA SCHWARTZ, chose to make Kool-Aid the afternoons beverage of choice.
As the children gathered to enjoy a cup of the artificially fruit-flavored drink, the inevitable catch phrase rang out: Oh Yeah! Thats when he appeared, said policeman DALE GUTHREY. (He) busted right through the living room wall.
For years the anthropomorphic pitcher known as the KOOL-AID MAN has acted as the jovial spokesman for the sugary treat. Famous for his trademark habit of breaking through walls while exclaiming Oh yeah, the Kool-Aid man is beloved by a generation. All of that changed, however, with his arrival at the Schwartz birthday festivities.
Its scared the beejesus outta the kids nana, Guthrey was quoted as saying. The old bird keeled over right there face down in the cake. The kids thought it was pretty funny, but when she didnt get up Well, thats a helluva thing to see when youre that age. The shock of the Kool-Aid Mans arrival sent seventy-three-year-old PHYLLIS BENDER into cardiac arrest. She was later pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics.
But the unfortunate incident did not stop there. Guthrey recounts: The kids scattered, but the girls father and stepbrother were pretty drunk at that point. They tried to subdue Mr. Aid, but Well, I think he may be Samoan. Witnesses are still being interviewed, but initial reports suggest that the Kool-Aid man, shocked and disoriented by Mrs. Benders collapse, tried to flee the scene. But when forty-eight-year old EDDY SCHWARTZ and eighteen-year-old DANNY MOLE SCHWARTZ attempted to intervene, he became frightened and instinctively fought back.
Thats the position of Mr. Aids manager, SAL KING. Lets look at the facts. Kool turned an unfortunate genetic condition into a career. And hes been doing this shtick for what? Almost thirty years now? Thirty years! And in all that time this is the first incident? Unfortunate? Yes. But criminal?
But authorities are now investigating if indeed this is an isolated incident as Mr. King asserts, or the latest in a series of close shaves with the law. Detective FRANK CARLSON had this to say: Theres a pretty suspicious paper trail. Large sums paid to families all around the country... all within days of childrens birthday parties. It could be hush money.
Adding to the furor is newly uncovered evidence suggesting that Mr. Aid had a far closer relationship with JIM JONES than was originally believed. Though he maintains a very private life, Aids religious beliefs have been described as extreme by some. Ex-fiance CHAIRY THE CHAIR, formerly of Pee Wees Playhouse fame, claims that after proposing marriage, Aids behavior turned increasingly bizarre. He insisted I wear this I dont know how to describe it Muumuu, I guess youd call it, with holes cut out in the genital region. Miss Chair also claims that Aid insisted she refer to him as the Star Master, and that she dedicate her life to preparing for the Circus of Reckoning; a future time in which Aid believes a space-faring race will lay waste to the Earth, sparing only those who swear allegiance to a cosmic deity known as Gandar.
King was quick to retaliate. Lets take a close look at where these allegations are coming from: a has-been actress who hasnt landed a part in over ten years. What was that last thing she did? She played a throne in that god-awful Coneheads movie, for cryin out loud (Snickering) And well, I suppose weve all seen that tape of her and MISS YVONNE by now.
Meanwhile, the Kool-Aid Man is out on five hundred thousand dollars bail as he awaits his preliminary hearing.
DEVELOPING
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~cheers