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TOOKIE OR NOT TOOKIE
SACRAMENTO - As the date of STANLEY “TOOKIE” WILLIAMS’ scheduled execution draws near, California governor ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER finds himself at the center of an increasingly emotional debate. As co-founder of the notorious Crips street gang and convicted on four counts of murder, Williams has become a veritable poster boy for proponents of capital punishment who are encouraging the governor to say “Hasta la vista, Tookie.” In the opposite corner, however, critics of the death penalty cite Williams’ subsequent anti-gang efforts and want Schwarzenegger to put a “Total Recall” on the execution order.
But amidst the rhetoric and punning, the governor today outlined a bold initiative to deal with the polarizing issue capital punishment once and for all. Speaking at a joint press conference with Fox Television maverick RUPERT MURDOCH, Schwarzenegger announced that all death row inmates will now have the opportunity to avoid execution by participating in a new reality television show, tentatively titled, “THE SPRINTING INMATE.”
The concept is remarkably simple: Each week convicts are set loose in an abandoned section of East Los Angeles and are hunted down by celebrity “Stalkers.” If the convict makes it to the finish line alive, their death sentence is commuted to life in prison, with a lifetime bonus of cigarettes and a ‘bitch’ of their choosing.”
“Ja, it just came to me. These debates over state-sponsored killing are touchy, and these kind of things. So now we give the convicts choice.” Murdoch then chimed in, “Instead of a date with a rubber diaper, these blighters get a chance to meet some of their favorite TV celebrities… and possibly kill or be killed by one of ‘em! If that don’t smell like justice, I don’t know what does.”
But many of the celebrity activists who have come out for “Tookie” are not so thrilled with the concept. “This is just sick,” said actress Susan Sarandon. “This just cheapens human life. …We actors won’t even get residuals for appearing as a stalker.” Author Stephen King offered: “Wait… that was my idea! Those fuckers!”
But Murdoch countered: “We have plenty of potential celebrity stalkers already interested. Besides your Chuck Norrises, and VanDammes, we have some real surprises. Here’s a name: David Hyde Pierce. Yer interested now, ain’t ya?”
The press conference was cut short, however, as Governor Schwarzenegger was scheduled to attend a fund raiser for Carl Weathers, citing his pledge to see the entire cast of PREDATOR to a governorship of his own.
DEVELOPING…
TOOKIE OR NOT TOOKIE
SACRAMENTO - As the date of STANLEY “TOOKIE” WILLIAMS’ scheduled execution draws near, California governor ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER finds himself at the center of an increasingly emotional debate. As co-founder of the notorious Crips street gang and convicted on four counts of murder, Williams has become a veritable poster boy for proponents of capital punishment who are encouraging the governor to say “Hasta la vista, Tookie.” In the opposite corner, however, critics of the death penalty cite Williams’ subsequent anti-gang efforts and want Schwarzenegger to put a “Total Recall” on the execution order.
But amidst the rhetoric and punning, the governor today outlined a bold initiative to deal with the polarizing issue capital punishment once and for all. Speaking at a joint press conference with Fox Television maverick RUPERT MURDOCH, Schwarzenegger announced that all death row inmates will now have the opportunity to avoid execution by participating in a new reality television show, tentatively titled, “THE SPRINTING INMATE.”
The concept is remarkably simple: Each week convicts are set loose in an abandoned section of East Los Angeles and are hunted down by celebrity “Stalkers.” If the convict makes it to the finish line alive, their death sentence is commuted to life in prison, with a lifetime bonus of cigarettes and a ‘bitch’ of their choosing.”
“Ja, it just came to me. These debates over state-sponsored killing are touchy, and these kind of things. So now we give the convicts choice.” Murdoch then chimed in, “Instead of a date with a rubber diaper, these blighters get a chance to meet some of their favorite TV celebrities… and possibly kill or be killed by one of ‘em! If that don’t smell like justice, I don’t know what does.”
But many of the celebrity activists who have come out for “Tookie” are not so thrilled with the concept. “This is just sick,” said actress Susan Sarandon. “This just cheapens human life. …We actors won’t even get residuals for appearing as a stalker.” Author Stephen King offered: “Wait… that was my idea! Those fuckers!”
But Murdoch countered: “We have plenty of potential celebrity stalkers already interested. Besides your Chuck Norrises, and VanDammes, we have some real surprises. Here’s a name: David Hyde Pierce. Yer interested now, ain’t ya?”
The press conference was cut short, however, as Governor Schwarzenegger was scheduled to attend a fund raiser for Carl Weathers, citing his pledge to see the entire cast of PREDATOR to a governorship of his own.
DEVELOPING…
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