tian

since i found your chalk outline
amongst the garbage in our alley
the sun sets wherever
i turn

the pillow i hold
pretending it's you
drowns in my tears
it's as cold as you
as still

i miss you
i hate that i can't lay on you
surrounded by your calm
your stability
my hands on your heart
my breath in tune with yours
the melody
of twin souls
your hands in my hair

i hate that we cant stay up all night
playing nintendo
i hate that we can't decorate
our decrepit mini christmas tree
with popcorn and painted paper cut-outs
and sing the music of heavenly creatures
while dancing in our underwear
with the curtains open

i hate that i can't remember you

how did you smell
my darling
how did your skin feel
how did your lips taste
how come i can't see my reflection
in your eyes
when i close mine

in my dreams
you have moodring hair color
and aqueous features
that i can't ever quite focus on
they run down my face
mixed with salty anguish
my chains in a pile
at your ephemeral feet
turning to stardust

too burdensome for the living
too corporeal for the dead
it wasnt fair
to let you wear them

you never got what you wanted most
you traded your dream
for a ring i broke

why couldn't i have just let you use the car that day?