thyestean23

Wierd thought. So im sitting here, clearly surfing SG, while lord know what is exploding outside. Its a piercing pop followed by a boom that shakes the ground and the building. This has happened about 7 times at this point. No one has figured out whether its out-going or in-comming, so people are running around trying to figure that out....i guess. No one has said a word to me. Then it hit me(not the round). I am more afraid of going home on leave than I am of dying. If its incoming its probably 81mm rocket, thats what they usually fire. No amount of hiding will help you if you are in its kill radius, but its kill radius is only 20 meters and they have really shitty aim. They are doing good to hit the FOB at all. Even if I did get hit I wouldn't know or feel it. The sharpnel tears through anything and everything. Most die instantly....but they rarely hit anyone. Nothing to be afraid of.

Going home and facing that woman....thats something to be afraid of. Since I have taken the blame for everything I realize that opens the door for her say whatever she wants. I have no doubt the past will be dragged up at some point and flung at me like week old poo. There will be nothing I can say. All I will be able to do is take it until she finally breaks down into a pool of tears, which isnt uncommon....crushing reminder of that thing I used to be. Then I get to be reminded, ever so clearly, why I have worked so hard to end this in the most pleasent way possible. Taking the blame is easier than arguing, but I will not give anyone the impression I wasn't a horrible person...I was. Thats not up for debate. What is up for debate is how long I am suppose to suffer for my past actions regardless of the improves I have made in the last couple of years. Some say I shouldn't beat myself up. Honestly, I dont think I do....im very realistic about it all. I'm also determined to never let it happen again.

Something that was suppose to bring out the best in me, a relationship, brought out the worst in me....she brough out the worst in me at least in part. I got help, I got treatment, I got meds....I have a genetic mood disorder similar, in some ways, to bipolar disorder. Its taken alot of time, work and research to address and deal with it. For 2 years I have been good, happy even...with myself anyway. Being that it was a legitimate medical issue that threw all the blame in my corner. What was I to say to that? "Yep, im fucked up.", or something to that effect.

So that's what it has come to. When I talk to her I smile and nod. When she vents about our past, I smile and nod. When she says anything I smile and nod...pay the requisite compliments and politely change the subject if possible. But face-to-face? We havent been face to face since....june of 08 and that was only for 2 weeks. 2 weeks making sure we were never too close to each other. 2 weeks avoiding any possible points of contention. 2 weeks of walking on egg shells. It was horrible.

When I talk to her I feel like shit...I wish I had a more discriptive word, but shit will have to do. Its like Im standing outside of a walled citadel talking to her...rather than just us talking. I hate that its like that, but the past has made some very formidable walls. Walls I cannot blame her for having. Walls I am responsible for even though I wasn't in control. Its my fault, but its not my fault also...WTF. I just dont want to be yelled at or dumped on. I cannot say sorry anymore and I cannot display my commitment to our friendship and her security any more clearly. I pay for everything. She homeschools...which is, without question, a very hard job. I make it clear I understand that.

Its just hard to relax with the idea that this bomb of a "relationship" could go off at anytime. Some say that, when she sees how I am now...who I have become, she may want me back and want to really work on things. I dont know if thats a good thing. All I want is a friendship at this point, not a wife. And if she is impressed by visually experiencing my change then how am i suppose to say...."I just wanna be friends."? Sigh....I guess I just say it...and I will say it if the need arises. Thus, there is an extremely real chance that she will assume im dating someone. Which isnt the case, nor will it ever be the case in the near future. It's kinda funny, as it is now she doesnt want to be with me as a couple, but if she thinks im with another woman she flips. I feel there is too much bad history for us to ever have a functional, intimate relationship. As time passes she seems to see that more and more. Regardless, the whole thing is still a mine field. One im due to walk through any day now. Its like Im fucked either way. This whole thing is such a clusterfuck.

Jesus, I just wanna hang out with the boys....I dont wanna deal with this. Obviously, I will deal with and deal with it well....thats who I am now. But I dread the hell out of it.

....so that is what I am afriad of. Not death, not combat, not anything but her. Sorry to rant, but it was all going to come out anyway.

UPDATE: So, I got my leave date. Its May 3rd. I should land in Tuscon around the 6th.