so today i conned my manager into letting me go online and check my email. i'm in an ongoing feud with my ex girlfriend (the one with children) about money she owes me. i paid her car insurance for a few months while we were together cuz i'm a sucker, i mean nice guy like that. she wants to pay me back, which i'm all for, and i told her to just give the money to my stepbrother whenever she has it ready. well, she starts telling me how I have issues and she doesn't know what my problem is, why i can't bare to see her for 5 minutes, i have to force my stepbrother to be a middleman. so we have been fighting back and forth via email.

so I went online to reply to her latest Tom-bash, and I get an IM from my other ex. she's on her way home from school and she drives through Aurora, so we made plans to meet up when I got out of work. so she gets there after we close so she hung around the store while i was closing up and then we went out to get something to eat.

She has been a good friend man, seriously. we talk all the time, it's cool. the weirdest thing was when i let her into the store, it was cool, but weird. the long hug, kiss on the cheek. i felt kind of reduced, i don't know why. i mean, i know what we had with our relationship, and it ended on a sour note. but after like 2 years, we started talking again and just became best friends.

i don't really know where i'm going with this, but when we were sitting around, and i was making her laugh (like I make everyone do, as anyone that has ever talked to me in person knows) i just felt different. it's like i realized a part of me that didn't exist before. I somehow found a way to ignore the lust factor that I had when it came to her and just really enjoy her company. maybe it's because I hadn't seen her in like a year and a half, or maybe it was the table that separated us the whole time we were together, but it was just little things. her foot touching mine under the table, or when we were flipping the creamers around the table and we would reach for the same one and our hands would graze each other, or the eye contact.

i'm sick of being alone. i want to do what i did tonight with someone all the time. except i want to sit on the same side of the table as her. i want to get into the same car with her, and go home, instead of us driving next to each other watching as we go onto our separate on ramps to the toll road. i want to wake up during the night and watch her sleep, or have someone to share my apartment with instead of sitting alone every night. i miss having a "cool" girlfriend. i'm sick of the flings, the one nighters, i want something meaningful. bah i'm in a sappy mood tonight