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OK, LUCKILY I'M NOT DEAD.
NO...REALLY.
SO,SO,SORRY FOR THE DELAY. ANYWAY ON THE WAY TO ORLANDO, I WAIT ON LINE FOR ABOUT FORTY FIVE MINS. BEFORE THE CHECK IN DICKS, TELL THE WOMAN IN FRONT OF ME, AS SHE'S CARRYING A BABY AND A WHOLE LOT OF LUGGAGE THAT SHE HAS TO FIND HER WAY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AIRPORT...SORRY...NO SORRY...JUST TAKE ALL YOUR SHIT AND FIGURE IT OUT.
POOR LADY AND HER BABY.
SO I'M NEXT.
HE SAY'S "WHERE YOU FLYING TO?".
I SAID "ORLANDO."
HE LOOKED AT MY CONFIRMATION, AND TOLD ME THAT I'D BEEN RANDOMLY SELECTED FOR SECURITY SCREENING.?.

OK, SO NOW'S ABOUT THE TIME WHEN I START TO QUESTION THE SITUATION.

SEE, I DON'T HAVE THE BEST REPUTATION IN AIRPORTS.
THIS AIRPORT IN PARTICULAR.
IN THE PAST, I'VE LOST MY COOL WITH THESE ASSHOLES.
AND I'M SURE THEY ALL KNOW IT.

I'LL LEAVE OUT ALL THE DIRTIEST OF DETAILS, IN ORDER TO KEEP THIS CONCISE AND DISCRETE.

SOOOOOOOOOOO....OK, NOW I HAVE TO WAIT IN A LINE TEN TIMES AS LONG AS THE FIRST, OF COURSE I'VE ALREADY LOST AN HOUR. IT FIGURES THOUGH, IT'S PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN THIS EARLY FOR A FLIGHT. SO I WAIT PATIENTLY. FORGET WHATEVER MIGHT BE IN MY BAG, AHEM...AND CALMLY AWAIT MY TURN TO RECEIVE MY BOARDING PASS...FORGET ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TIME HAS BEEN CUT IN HALF. AND YOU'RE A RANDOMLY SUSPECTED CRIMINAL. YEAH...I'TS ALL GOOD.
GONNA MAKE THE FLIGHT...RIGHT?

FINALLY, GET TO THE KIOSK. TYPE IN THE #'S.
RESPONSE: PLEASE WAIT FOR AIRPORT ATTENDENTS, YOU'RE RESERVATION REQUIRES SPECIAL ASSISTANCE.
OK...I'LL TRY IT AGAIN...IN A DIFFERENT WAY...NO, OK.
ANOTHER WAY...NO, OK...EVERY WAY?...NO, OK...HELP PLEASE.

"YES SIR WE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU RIGHT AWAY." THE GUY SAID.

COOL...WHAT'S THAT? MY RESERVATION IS INVALID? BUT, THAT'S IMPOSIBLE. I CONFIRMED EVERYTHING PREVIOUSLY.
WHAT'S THIS? I'M ON THE GOVERNMENTS NO FLY LIST?
WELL WHY IS THAT? IT MIGHT BE A MISTAKE, SURE.
BUT GENERALLY IT MEANS THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS WATCHING ME FOR WHATEVER UNKNOWN REASON? OK.
THANKS, THAT MAKES ME FEEL MUCH BETTER.

YOU KNOW, MR. BOARDINGPASS GUY. MY PLANE IS SCEDULED TO DEPART IN LESS THAN 30 MINS.
AND I HAV'NT EVEN GOT A BOARDING PASS YET. THEN OF COURSE THERE IS THE WHOLE SECURITY SCREENING, THEN RUN TO THE GATE FACTOR.

HE ASSURES ME THAT I WILL MAKE THE FLIGHT, THIS WILL JUST TAKE A SECOND OF COURSE. OF COURSE.

OF COURSE LAST TIME I WAS HERE I FLIPPED OUT BECAUSE I GOT I GOT MY BOARDING PASS WITH MY MOTHER, DAUGHTER AND SISTER ABOUT AN HOUR BEFORE OUR FLIGHT. AND SOME BITCH TOLD US WE WERE TO LATE. START ALL OVER AGAIN.

I DID'NT TAKE IT WELL.

BUT THAT'S OK HE'S SURE I'LL MAKE IT.
AND BESIDES THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT, THIS TIME NOTHING CAN MAKE ME LOOSE MY COOL, NO, NOTHING.

NOT THIS BRAND NEW LINE I'VE GOTTA STAND IN NOW MINUTES FROM TAKEOFF JUST TO GIVE THE GUY MY FUCKING BAG. SO I MAKE IT CLEAR THE HURRY I'M IN, KINDLY. SO, THEY ,KINDLY FIND ME TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE. NEXT.

GOTTA TAKE OF MY SHOES, CLEAN OUT MY POCKETS, TAKE OFF MY JEWELRY AND MY BELT AND EVERYTHING ELSE.
BUT LUCKILY, NO STRIP SEARCH. NEXT.

THE GATE THE CROWDS, NO PROBLEM..EXCEPT FOR THE HOUR DELAY BEFORE TAKE OFF. OF COURSE IF THEY FIND ANYTHING DEEMED ILLEGAL IN MY BAG, I'M TRAPPED LIKE A CAGED RAT.

2 HRS 35 MINS AFTER TAKE OFF I ARRIVE IN ORLANDO.
FREE AND CLEAR. OF COURSE.

SO, THAT WAS FUN.

AND OPERATION MERRY X-MASS IS UNDERWAY.

FIRST SEGMENT COMPLETE.

TO BE CONT. XXX