thisiswhoweare

It was far too long in coming, but I finally did it. I told Her I couldn't hang out with her anymore. The clincher was she finally said that she was in love with the other guy. I can't compete with that, and I shouldn't. Yet I can't stop thinking that She's perfect... So it had to stop. Maybe I can try as friends again sometime, but not for a while. I've been going on first dates from time to time, but very little beyond that. I can't fall for anyone, I can't get turned on anymore. She always occupied my thoughts. Maybe this will help, cutting Her out. Time will tell. I think She was a little hurt by it, but fuck, I can't use that as my reasoning to screw up my own life by seeing Her. I don't even know if this will help... It's now October, and this makes it 3 years since I've had sex. Or LET myself have sex... I stopped the one opportunity I had as it was the wrong girl for the wrong reason.
I've been entirely too depressed as of late, and it's getting worse. My ex-wife keeps calling with stupid little shit and to rub in the fact that she's so happy with the guy she moved in with. I really don't care to hear about it you know! It's so fucking insane that that cheating slut can just be so care free and jump into the sack at will, with a married guy this time, break up his marriage and move in to his wife's space in their bed. Yet here I am, at home alone on a Friday night whining. Cutting off contact with a fabulous woman because I'm so fucked in the head I can't realize it's a lost cause until it's too late. I don't even miss sex, but I so miss kissing, hugs and having a warm body next to me. It's been two years of divorce (but yeah, 3 years of no sex) and I still sleep over on only one side of a queen bed. It's going to be getting colder soon, and it's only going to be getting worse. I've been thinking of taking another year off of trying to date at all, like I did for that first single year. I'm damaged goods and not healthy for anyone. I do so desperately wish I had someone to love, who I was allowed to love, who gave a rat's shit about me. I've been drinking entirely too much, but it dulls the mind to let me sleep. How the fuck did it get so bad? I'm just skilled at fucking things up I guess...