thisiswhoweare

So Saturday night we met at Her place, the one She was moving from the next day. It's beautiful there, up in the hills on San Rafael in the Marin area. We went to dinner at a fantastic little Italian place in Fairfax.. She's a vegetarian, so it's tough to find places we both really like sometimes. So we were waiting just inside the door, (ended up being about a 20 min wait) when this older gent with a charming remnant of a British accent comes over to comment on the tattoo rising out of Her top. He just started a conversation in the weirdest way, at first it was a little odd. Then it became obvious that he was just really cool & social. After dicussing tattoos for a while, he eventually asked Her if I was Her husband, or boyfriend... I started to sweat nervously. We told him we were just friends, and he was flabberghasted! He said it was a waste of such a romantic little restaurant, and that we obviously belonged together. He then proceeded to point out to Her that I was a good-looking and charming guy, and She should give me a chance. I swear, it was as if I had hired this guy to start this conversation. He asked Her if She liked me, and She replied "totally, he's great!" then asked me if I liked Her. I had an opportunity to say out loud in public that I was absolutely crazy about Her, and that She's the most incredible woman I know. I had to look at my feet when saying it, but I managed to get it out with conviction. He then asked again why we weren't together, and that it was obvious from the way I was looking at Her that I'd be good to Her. I was crushed to have to point out at this point, that She HAD a boyfriend, and I wasn't it. He blew this off, and asked why She wasn't out with him then. She said he lives out of town, "Where?" replied he. "Vancouver"... His eyes got huge, and he went off on how pointless it was to date someone that far away, and that She should be with ME. I had to try SO hard not to hug this guy for his work! He asked if She was serious about this other guy and She replied "I don't know"... My heart surged.. and gave me (false?) hope.

During our dinner, he sent over a carafe of wine to our table, it was the best night I've had in years. Her eyes were reflecting every dancing candle light in the place. She makes me want to live a better life so I can be worthy of being around Her. She's a flame I need to be near...

We went for a couple of pints after that, then back to Her place. It was probably the stupidest thing I've ever done, but I slept next to Her in Her bed that night. Albeit above the covers, and fully clothed... I had the most amazing and comfortable dreams that night about being with Her. She loved me back, and all was right with the world. Then I woke up, and found myself lying next to the most beautiful thing a human has ever seen upon awakening. We were cuddled together, my hand on Her back. I had yet to realize my dream was fiction, and thought it was a continuation of the perfect world. Then it hit me like a brick to the face, that it wasn't real. When She awoke, we chatted and laughed until full bladders forced us to get up and get ready. I helped her move to the new house, it was a lot of fun, and I confirmed that just doing ANYTHING with her was the best way to possibly spend a day. Just when it was all done, I remembered that soon enough, "he" would be coming down to visit, I'd go back in the glass case, and sit at home alone frustrated as all hell. I know it's getting pathetic. I can't even think of dating anyone else... What the hell am I going to do?

:::More

One of my very best best friends, Lisa, called last night, and again today to check up one me. She knows about my stupid situation, but has told me to forget about Her and move on. But when we spoke, she knew that wasn't going to help me at the time, and just started telling me how beautiful and funny, caring and intelligent I was. That any woman in the world would be lucky for me to care about them, to be with me. Lisa was being so kind to me (she does that) but it just made me start to cry uncontrollably. If I'm so wonderful why do I sleep alone? Damn it! My ex-wife fucked up my head so badly! I don't know if I'll ever be able to really trust anyone ever again. I wouldn't wish my life on an enemy.

The one thing that brings me the most joy at this point in my life is the same thing that steals my ability to sleep. I find myself writing about Her in the middle of the night, painting pictures (which I hadn't done since the first time I caught Emily-the Ex cheating on me) of how She makes me feel. I just want to look in Her eyes, say "I would have been good to you" and then have my memories erased like in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Leaning over to speak into Her ear in a noisy room is pure agony. She has skin that was made to be kissed, a neck that was made to be caressed gently, perfect ears that were made to have words of love and devotion whispered into them, the words breathed more than spoken.