i think i've hit the emotional wall. for years i've been good at suppressing my 'darker' emotions but as of late it's been getting harder. the blocks i've set up seem to be breaking on a regular basis and it's happening around my housemates. they've actually told me i scare them sometimes haha. although thinking back i have to say i don't blame them. i mean it's not that i get violent it's just i get unpredictable. whats worse is the fact my sleeping pattern is pretty much non-existent. there's a very simple reason for this though....why sleep and be happy and then wake up and have to come back to what seems like a meaningless struggle to get through a day. i've actually tried losing myself in games like WoW and Mass Effect, i've watched movies after movie, hell i've even started watching anime's from episode one that are currently on 300+ episodes, but you always have to come back to yourself and i don't know who i am. i used to believe that i was the one in my group of friends that brought everyone together but the more i look at my friends the more i grow to realize they don't need me and as much as i hate to say it i really hate them sometimes but i think that stems from me being jealous of them. they seem to have things going for them. granted i can see their lives aren't perfect but at least they have friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, futures....i don't have any of that.
and as much as i hate to complain about this it has to be said....i'm fucking lonely. it's not only the lack of friends but the lack of someone to love (and i fucking hate that word). i think of myself as an old romantic which means it's hard to get up when you have no one to get up for. this is just me over complicating things though but fuck when did it get so hard to tell if girls actually like you. was sitting in the pub last night, wee bit drunk and i was analyzing the interaction between my mate and this girl that he's interested in. i honestly seen nothing. there was no attempt on his part to do anything and i seen nothing from her although a female mate of mine said she was interested. we then preceded to discuss this topic of it being hard to know. i don't think i'd know if anyone was flirting with me even if she came up and slapped me on the face with a fucking neon sign in her hand asking me out herself. although on top of that i really don't know what i'm looking for in a lady anymore. i'm on this site and see all these beautiful girls but from my point of view they really don't seem real. there is nobody like these girls around where i live so if i do go out with someone near me am i settling for less and then i'll never be happy with this person? or is it just...well i know my view on the world, right and wrong, what's acceptable and all is slightly messed up but that's only because i'm open to different inputs and have come up with my own view on things. i don't know if this is a god thing or not. i mean i can look at some really messed up stuff that would make 'regular' people feel uncomfortable but i can look at it and not feel anything. ah fuck it........i really don't know anymore....
i've thought about a few things lately (and if you've read above you are a trooper) and there's things i'm going to do. i'm actually going to start back to photography, not for a job but because i actually like doing it. although it would be better if i knew models and had somewhere to shoot them but what can you do. i think i'll also try and learn some new skills...guitar or bass maybe. girls like guitarists right...or maybe it's the endless hours of music i've been listening to thats made me wana do this haha. damn music is good....
anyway if you've read this fair play to ya...laters
