i am wide-eyed and drifting...
i think i let my imagination get to me a little too much. you see, i was jealous of a girl who most likely posed not threat to me whatsoever. at least i was told this a handful of times, did i listen? no. did i trust the truth to come from his lips, of course not. am i an idiot, well clearly.
so instead of letting sleeping dogs lie and letting my mind quiet down i stirred it up with a series of horrific images and scenarios. none of which happened, only in this silly little head of mine. so with my heart pounding in my head and my cheeks flushed red hot i did the unthinkable, or so i've been told. i emailed the girl!
"what the hell were you thinking?" you may be saying. well i obviously wasn't, at least not clearly.
i honestly meant no harm in it. i was cordial and nice. i didn't accuse her or him of anything. i simply told her that her email he told me about one drunken night and their exchange of numbers after she told him she was interested in him, sparked a twinge of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. that i was sorry for thinking that and contacting her but i wanted to get to know her more so i could put these completely unjust feelings behind me. she wholeheartedly understood. she was sweet and apologetic back. there were no ill words or any feelings of uneasiness in either of our emails. she explained herself and i did as well. we left with sweet words and a newfound friendship blooming. great i thought. how nice i thought.
after this he texts me, says hello and asks what i'm doing. i'm all for complete honesty so i told him i contacted her. he freaks. says i've crossed a line. i look like a crazy girl who he's not sure what i could be capable of. that i've embarrassed him. that it's something a stupid teenager would have done. how he's disappointed in me. a laundry list of things that floor me, because in all honesty i don't see the problem with this. i was honest and polite and not accusatory in the least.
perhaps i am missing something. i don't feel like it was a "crazy" thing to do, perhaps a bit inappropriate. i do feel awful that he's upset with me. i really never thought he'd react like this. i just wanted to get it off my chest so i wouldn't feel like i didn't like her for some stupid reason that didn't exist. to me that was more ridiculous than my actions. as much as i should have talked to him to quell my fears, it wasn't getting me anywhere mentally. he dismissed it completely without even letting me speak my fears without telling me i was ridiculous. i felt shut down anytime i wanted to voice my concerns. i realize that he didn't talk about it because i think he secretly adores the attention and i definitely think he subtly flirts with her because why not have a cute girl like you! i was a little worried, so since he wouldn't address this i took matters into my own hands.
not to justify my actions which i do feel were a bit ridiculous, i just really wanted to get it all out there and out of my head. maybe i am totally in the wrong. perhaps it does come of a little crazed. i hate this. i messed up, i admit it but in the back of my head i don't really feel like i was entirely in the wrong.
my goodness what a mess i've made.
