i am curious as to why it is so fucking hard to trust someone completely.
i never took myself as the jaded type. i mean a little, sure, but not full blown i'm all sorts-of-broken kind of jaded. it's frustrating to think i even have an inkling of this in me, under my skin. i see myself in a more rose colored light, a little more trusting, having faith in humanity, being oh so romantic. yes, perhaps even hopelessly so; but lately i can't be too certain.
i try to quell the fears that radiate from my toes, that make me sick to my stomach by the smallest phrase or awkward glance, by all the pauses in between sentences. ugh. regardless of what i might tell myself i find it seeping in the tiny cracks in my head. it drips in and swirls down the lines all the way from the tip of my brain to that little part that says, "this isn't going to turn out the way you planned!" or, "this is exactly what you expected! you saw it coming! how come you didn't run in the other direction idiot!!!" depending on the scene in my head i suppose or my hearts whim.
how can i get past all this clutter in my brain, mostly unfounded i believe, and just stop. i'm trying my damnedest. i really don't want this to turn into one giant sticky mess nor do i want my fears to come to fruition.
how on earth can i do such a thing? ugh.