so, today is my 39th birthday. fuck. as if i don't feel old already ogling the beautiful young women on here...
at lunch today, the waitress was told by my friend that it was my birthday (can't a guy at least get a HBD motorboat at the tilted kilt? i mean, the place is like a McHooters). the next question from her is obviously how old are you. a question that in that everyone over the age of 25 has only ever answered with "how old do you think i am?"
she gave me 32. i will take it.
but the cold, hard truth of the matter is that i am less than a year away from 40. and i don't give a shit what people are saying about life expectancy, i am middle aged.
i have set unrealistic goals in the past. i want to be married by 40. i want kids by 42. i want to be divorced and have a sports car by 43. i kid. this year is no joke. i want to be in the best shape of my life when i turn 40. i will do the work... starting next week. ;)
i know that i usually keep things light. but as i have commented to others in the past, this is a place for cathartic writing because i have so very few IRL friends here. and the ones i do are too busy playing video games to read something past the first paragraph... ;)
lately, i have been having more disturbing visions of my own death. things are going well for me i my life. i have a great job that pays me too much money for the work i do. i have an awesome charity that actually helps people. i have a sub-par art career that i need to take seriously. i have the best core group of friends that anyone could ask for (seriously, other than them rapidly killing my liver functions, they are amazing). my family, while somewhat self destructive, are all in decent health. and while i have no ONE person in my life, i still manage to get laid on a moderately regular basis.
things are good.
but that doesn't stop the feeling that has intensified lately that another shoes is going to drop. and a big one.
when i was preparing to drive back to charlotte from pennsylvania over the holiday, i woke up with this ridiculously overwhelming feeling that i was going to die in a car accident on the way home. i actually cried in the shower and then again driving down my dad's driveway knowing that this might be the last time that i see some of my family members.
i think about the details of it all. i imagine i would be buried in PA with my dad's family, but i don't know. and how many of my friends in CLT would make the trip for a funeral?
its not just car accidents that scare me either. i have always felt that i am going to die at a relatively early age from something stupid. slipping in the shower. electrocuting myself with some faulty wiring. choking on a chicken nugget while home alone. hell, one of the reasons i still have a roommate even though i can afford to live alone is because i don't want someone to find my body after a week or two.
i don't know if it is me getting older that is causing this. if this is symptoms of my previously diagnosed depression creeping back in. if i have something else that is wrong with me that is waiting to manifest itself. no idea.
it weighs on me.
