i go through my spells. most like people, i understand the ebb and the flow of life. mine, whether by a subconscious self influence or just dumb luck, seems to always be extremes.
i am standing on a stage speaking to 500 people, doing an "art show" that for some reason usually makes it to the local social magazine, feeling like the most charming motherfucker in the bar that enjoys the smiles and company of a beautiful woman.
OR i have been cast aside yet again by said company, i have no desire to even speak to other people (even turning off my phone and ignoring my family and friends), and i don't touch a canvas for months. convinced that i am no talent hack that has everyone around me faked out.
i have a little over a year until i turn 40.
part of me says i want to just keep doing what i am doing. no consequences. no REAL responsibility as far as answering to someone. life of the party sometimes. recluse others.
then their is the part of me that says i am going to walk away from the charity, satisfied with my social contribution. walk away from my social circle for the most part. occasional dinners. occasional drinks. maybe a show a year. start to settle down. even if (most likely) i am still single.
i ponder growing a yeard (a year long beard) and just slinking away...
i have a year to decide, i guess.
