The lost diary.
I found a notebook from a while back, and it is good to see that I am exactly as fucked up now as I was then. Yaaay progress! Without further ado, here it is word from word, circa 2006
What's wrong with me? Seriously! How do other people exist? How do they know what to say and do? All my instincts are wrong. I drive everyone in my life crazy. One day Im nice the next Im saying something terrible. I just dont know how to relate to human beings. Wheres the instruction manual? All we do is make decisions, but we dont get second chances. We are blindly deciding our lives away without any idea what we are doing. Im 18 and I have to choose a career. Im 32 and still dont know, except that so many doors have already closed.
When youre a kid, all your choices are made for you, and I hated that! But now I need a hand. What do I actually want? What makes Keith happy? As time marches on am I winning or losing? Isnt there some kind of scorecard? We never do get to walk in another mans shoes. We never really understand anyone else. Life is just too damn lonely, and everyone is running around pretending to be someone or something. We are all wearing a mask. I hate mine! I long to be free and speak my heart! But Im scared like everyone else. Can anyone be honest? We are able to lie so easily, and everyone wants us to lie. Our parents like to us and want us to lie back. our teachers lie to us. If you want to fit in better start lying! But I hate it! Im tired of lying. I want to find one honest person in this world and marry them. Then it can be us against the world. a shelter, an island of honesty. A place where I can be myself until then forgive me for lying its all I can do.
So angry. Maybe I am not that angry anymore, I do still think everyone is full of shit though.
I found a notebook from a while back, and it is good to see that I am exactly as fucked up now as I was then. Yaaay progress! Without further ado, here it is word from word, circa 2006
What's wrong with me? Seriously! How do other people exist? How do they know what to say and do? All my instincts are wrong. I drive everyone in my life crazy. One day Im nice the next Im saying something terrible. I just dont know how to relate to human beings. Wheres the instruction manual? All we do is make decisions, but we dont get second chances. We are blindly deciding our lives away without any idea what we are doing. Im 18 and I have to choose a career. Im 32 and still dont know, except that so many doors have already closed.
When youre a kid, all your choices are made for you, and I hated that! But now I need a hand. What do I actually want? What makes Keith happy? As time marches on am I winning or losing? Isnt there some kind of scorecard? We never do get to walk in another mans shoes. We never really understand anyone else. Life is just too damn lonely, and everyone is running around pretending to be someone or something. We are all wearing a mask. I hate mine! I long to be free and speak my heart! But Im scared like everyone else. Can anyone be honest? We are able to lie so easily, and everyone wants us to lie. Our parents like to us and want us to lie back. our teachers lie to us. If you want to fit in better start lying! But I hate it! Im tired of lying. I want to find one honest person in this world and marry them. Then it can be us against the world. a shelter, an island of honesty. A place where I can be myself until then forgive me for lying its all I can do.
So angry. Maybe I am not that angry anymore, I do still think everyone is full of shit though.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
At 25 I feel like that often. i can't do ANYthing right sometimes
but anyway...Thanks for the love on Concrete Jungle!