Soon, I'll be 42. A seemingly unimportant number to most, but my fellow Hitchhikers of the Galaxy will know that isn't quite the truth. Also Adams-esque joking aside, I suppose I am in my midlife crisis mode and I may as well toss my thoughts out there, to echo across the cosmos. Maybe one or two will notice.
In spite of my age, I'm still firmly nestled in an extended adolescence. Still a fan of comic books and videogames. An indoor kid, till the day I die. I'm unabashedly geeky at heart and I still have the same goofy and dark sense of humor and wild imagination I did as a kid. However, I've never felt less my own age than I do now.
Ironically, if I was about 20 years younger, I'd probably fit in better with my peers. Millennials have embraced Geek Culture and made it profitable. Yeah, geeks have been cashing in for awhile now, but we Gen X geeks didn't have the abundance of social media and the internet or all the intuitive apps right at our fingertips like the young folks do today. I feel like my more Liberal views would be more welcome as well.
At the same time, if I was about ten years older, I'd be coming into adulthood during that whole Bohemian world-blending scene, akin to the 60s counterculture but with a stronger emphasis on safety. Also, the more chances I would have had at catching some great bands, whose lead singers we lost too soon. What a chill time that could have been.
Of course, if I was born twenty-ish years sooner, I could have been a young person during the greatest decade; the 80s. If I was a college student, I could have been around for some of the wild parties. I could have really pushed myself out of my comfort zone and tried new things. Or imagine being a teenager and having countless summer after summer of so many awesome movies? And the toys!
Instead, I was born right at the start of '79 and always felt a little shy and awkward. I didn't know as many openly nerdy kids, but I also didn't know many kids to begin with. Again, I was a homebody from the start.
Not quite yet an old man but certainly not longer a wyld stallion. I'm trying to think of how I can try to experience some what I've missed, but it's not going well. I'd imagine it's frowned upon for a 40-something to want to just hang out, get high, listen to music, and laugh at dumb movies. I don't know of many older women who either want to stay in on a Saturday night, playing co-op on (insert gaming system of choice) or have the time to, because they have kids by their age. I'm not aware of too many 20 somethings who want to pal around with a guy who's old enough to be their dads.
I've been watching lots of YouTube. Let's Play channels, movie reviews, music videos, and compilation videos full of amateur music videos and fan edits. I keep thinking about my one dream job of being a Music Supervisor for films and TV shows. I'd also love to make my own videos, compliing music and video, to create a narrative. Editing and producing, with an interest in directing. As a child, who loved Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, I often imagined growing up to be a great director, like them. I still dream of that.
Maybe none of those things will happen. Maybe I just find a means of teaching myself how to produce simple videos of my own and perhaps I gain a humble following of my own on YouTube. I gain a hobby that at least satisfies my creative side and it can rescue me from an otherwise uninspiring daily routine. Maybe I get a simple job editing for a local television channel and can at least make money doing something actually connected to something I care about.
I just don't know where to start. More accurately, I'm also too scared to make an effort to try, because I lack the confidence to start and too much fear of what would happen of I fail. It may not be the answer to everything, but I'd rather be 4 or 2 again for awhile longer. I didn't have to worry then.
Whatever. I'm high, it's past 4am, and I have to leave in five hours.
