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thetrooper

"DeadWood" City

Member Since 2004

Followers 19 Following 22

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Thursday Dec 08, 2005

Dec 8, 2005
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ok................

so, i'll hpoefully being drinking soon! this is a plus. i'm lisoning to the new Zao! yay!! BUT it's not working NOW! (fuck). i just got off work, i got out of the ugly pants and into the tight one's. i'm going to eat and then drink.

but i'm writeing now b/c i have so much shit on my mind! so i'll just start with how i'm doing. i'm doing really well. i'm liveing life too the fullest right now. i'm dateing, going out, hang'n out with "the guys". i'm working alot, witch is good b/c it keeps my mind off of shit. and i'm getting FAT checks! But i'm not killing my self as i was just a month ago. that showed me how i didn't want to live! it showed me how all the ppl i hated for so long, really lived. and we all need to live as the ppl we hate . it shows us that our way of life is worth it. so now i'm looking in too the future. for the first time i'm looking into the future. i'm trying to help my parents get out of there rut, while still makeing things good for my self. witch is hard. since iv'e been working i can see life in a hole light. i see ppl as they reall are now. i've learnd so much. i feel so much older now. i have responsibility in my life. soooooo ya......

but whats really on my mind is you...
My hole "girl" situation was looking up just a week ago. i guess i'm just not ment to be happy. i'm not the sorta guy who go's out looking to get laid. i'm not like that. i never have been and NEVER will be. i have meet girls and there just not you, so what can i say. i know what i want to say.....
so i guess i'll just say it. i'm not over you poodle. you're not over me. you toled me you're jelous. i don't know why you think it's ok to tell me this when you have a bf now. you say you told me b/c you know how i felt. ok.....so what do you want from me? i mean really? i read it in your jurnals all the time. things about me, things that have to do with me. i ask you if your happy, and you say you are. so what the fuck?!?!?! what do you want? i really, really miss what we had. i hate the part i played in the killing of us. but if we killed us, why are we still thinking about eachother? why if you're happy and i'm doing my own thing can we not just for get. i did....and then you said you're jelous. JELOUS of what? jelous, you're not mine any more? or just unhappy with what you have now. mabye we are ment to be together. i know this much, i loved you with all my heart. this no one can take from me. and you know it too. i still love you. not a day go's by you're not all around me. where all i see is your face. and i miss it. i miss you. i think about it all the time. it, being us, what we were. it's killing me too see that you're missing me as much too. i have always said at the end of this we will eather be best freinds or together. i know you hope the same. it's been like four months now and you're still in my head. my first love, my ture love. it's only when I lose myself in someone else. that I find myself hey, i found my self..... i found myself missing you. i know you best, bether then my self. thats a lyric too, i just can't thing of who it is right now. "How quickly I forget, that this is meaningless" now thats something we both would sing and now it means so much to me. i wish i could have you back. i think you wish it too. but theres too much we must change. the funny thing is, i've cheanged, alot. i'm so ready to love you as i did. it hurt so bad to here you say you're jelous. and i know why. you miss me..... and he's not me. no one ever will be, ever. mabye that what you need to know. no one will ever make you feel the way i did. i know on one will ever make me feel the way you did. EVER. i know this, i've been trying to replace you now for months. it's not easy.
so there it is. i said what i need to say i guess.
i want to talk to you about it in person. but i really don't know if thats right.
i love you now, and for always.
i still have the lock around my neck. it stays there b/c, it shows the person i was and still am. i never strayed. i loved till the end.

i don't know what to do

nether do you

if what you feel is real, don't wait to tell me.



glassheart:
Its fine if you want to talk in person. Let me know when. I dont have a whole lot going on now that Im out of school.

You can come here, or ill come over there. With the holidays, Ill be in town a lot. Let me know.

and, Im glad to see you are writing. Its good to hear those thoughts of yours.
Dec 11, 2005
glassheart:
i dont think im going to be able to come out tomorrow. Im terribly sick. So sick that this sore throat is closing my throat and I can barily talk and cant really swallow at all. It sucks so terribly.

My sister comes in on friday, so Ill be in town all next week and such. I would call you, but I cant talk right now. Sorry.
Dec 14, 2005

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