thetotalm

So its 1 am and I just finished updating all your journals so I suppose I should update mine huh...would you all like to know whats been going on huh would ya

Well the week started out pretty shitty...I went to work tuesday and stated crying uncontroably for about half an hour or so. Luckily we were in cubes so no one saw this. I then was so sick of being well "sick" that I tried to cut my wrist with a plasitc ruler....after that failed miseralbly and my boss caught me and sent me home for the week I decided maybe I need to talk to the doctors again.

They have to be missing something....nope...they weren't...folks I was in an hour long session today and I can honesly say its all my fault...everything this whole mess is my fault. I've put such high standards on my life that whenever I don't live up to them I just break down mentally and physically. It's not pretty either. Luckily greathands andmuse25 have been there to help me up but I've put them through enough. Its time to take control of the sitution. Now its not going to happen overnight. But what I have to do is stop beating myself up over everything.....if something dosen't get done its not the end of the world.

My main priorities should be to eat, go to work, pay bills, feed my cat, and just enjoy myself. Hey if that means I sleep all day for a day, fuck it then thats what I'll do....I won't go nuts and say "oh no look what I did I didn't do anytihng or go anywhere" Nope no more.

My job is mentally draining I call on average 500 people a night and they all go tell me to fuck myselsf. If on friday my day off I want to sleep dammit thats what Im gonna do and to hell with dishes or laundry.

And no more weed either I dont' think, Its a mind altering drug that I shouldnt be doing. I put enough RX drugs in me already...weed probally just fucks with my head too much...as good as it feels not a good idea.

Maybe if I get my head on sright enough I'll join the ballys thats right down the street from me. that would prbally be a good thing too. Mind and body and all that.

So don't go posting "oh I feel bad for you" or "oh so sorry" don't be sorry you should want to kick my ass for being so damn stupid all this time. Just be happy for me now that I'm going to do my damnest to pull whatever is left of old Anthony back to life.

-Anthony.