Hello there lovely people! I'm your friendly neighborhood seaweed smoking siren! I've been on a journey of self- love and acceptance for the last five years and I'm finally starting to feel the way I wish I could've for my whole life. In two months it'll be a full year since I started modeling and four years ago I never would have imagined I'd be doing the things I've been working on these last ten months. Four years ago I hated my body so much that my heartbeat sped up and my stomach turned into knots every time I sent a risque photo to the boyfriend I had at the time. I developed a binge eating disorder because I was so ashamed of my body that I felt I had to hide anything and everything I ate from other people. I only ate when I was alone in my car or my bedroom, hidden away from any judgmental eyes I imagined would crucify me for having the audacity to stuff my face and put more fat in my body. I later learned that all of that judgment was coming from myself and the pressure of society to exceed a certain standard of beauty. I never would have gotten in front of a camera with a photographer, let alone shoot a nude set back then. That's why I've always been drawn to photography, because when I'm behind the camera lens, I'm taking the target off of myself and letting other people shine when I feel dull.
As I spent my life struggling with my self-esteem, I always felt like my body was wrong. I felt like because I wasn't skinny like my sisters that I was somehow inadequate, I never fit in anywhere, and I would never be good enough, but none of that has ever been true. I started developing breasts when I was 9 years old (can you fucking imagine?) and even before that I was already ashamed of my body for being chunky and being bullied by my so-called friends. I spent all of middle school and high school fearful that boys only ever liked me for my tits. By the time I graduated I was wearing a size 36H bra and I was more insecure and self-loathing than I ever have been before. So I spent the first year after high school learning how to eat without feeling shame and when I was 19, I got a breast reduction. That was my first step to learning how to love myself and it was still the best decision I've ever made about my body.
My weight has fluctuated in the last four years since my surgery, but I rarely step on the scale anymore. I started going to therapy when I was 20 to treat my depression and anxiety which I later learned are only symptoms of the PTSD I've been living with for who knows how long, and maybe I'll talk about that illness sometime too, but this post is about body image so let's stay on topic. I've learned coping mechanisms to deal with the urges I get to "forget" to eat when I'm at work all day or to binge in my car before I meet my boyfriend or friends and tell them that I "forgot" to eat. I told the people in my life about my eating disorder so now that they know they help keep me accountable and help me when I get down on myself. I don't weigh myself obsessively anymore. My therapist taught me how to speak kindly to myself and that anything I think I "should" be doing is usually based on self-judgment and societal expectations. I try not to put that kind of pressure on myself anymore. I only exercise when I actually want to so that I can stimulate my body and mind and experience a different consciousness instead of trying to make that silly number on the scale go down. Now I eat what I enjoy and I let myself enjoy it because eating is a part of being alive and staying alive and we should all be able to enjoy all the little parts of life that help sustain our existence.
I've grown to love my body for what it is, not the potential it has to be something else. My body has carried me everywhere that I needed to go. My legs are large and jiggly, but they are also powerful and they have moved me from place to place for my whole life. My arms are round and wide, but they lift all the books I've wanted them to, and they can give the warmest, most gentle and comforting hugs to anyone in need of one. My stomach is soft and has rolls, but it feels good when the love of my life grabs onto it and holds me and tells me he loves me. My body does not fit the mold that society has always tried to stuff me into, but I don't fucking care because this body that my soul lives in is the only body that I'm ever gonna have and I refuse to spend the rest of my life hating and hiding it. I still struggle with insecurities, but I will not be bound and crippled by them. I love this body more and more every day in spite of my insecurities. I want to show other women that they fucking deserve to love their bodies like this too. Our bodies are pure magic; the world only sees what's on the surface but the capabilities we hold inside are unimaginable.
I am fucking proud I am of how far I've come in the last year as a model and in the last five years as just a regular girl trying to get my shit together and find some fucking peace. I'm thankful for all of the amazing people that have come into my life and continue to love and support me by showering me with love, validation, acceptance, and encouragement. I am so incredibly happy that I stepped my pussy up and decided to go after my dream of being a model and hopefully an Official SuicideGirl one day, but until that happens I'm just ecstatic to be a Hopeful and to be able to meet and work with other fucking gorgeous and amazing Hopefuls near me, to make new friends, support other women, and grow together.
I am grateful. That is all.
