thereisnosun

I was asked by my cousin how things were going

Actually that is a very complicated question. Before I had entered the hospital I had given up for the most part. Just didnt think I could go on and planed to end my life. But there are some people that I owe it to ethically to take care of myself (glen/my dad, Cassandra, john , possibly some others like Alex, Jeff , David. [I mention some so you can see who my close friends are and to show I know I have people who care] I didnt want to take care of myself or get help but thats what I did. So now I am on a bunch of medication and have a lot more resources to help myself/get more help. I have also put myself in a changing my life sort of mindset. But the question remains will I persist in my efforts & desire to change my life for the better I cant answer it. Every time I go into the hospital for my suicidal tendencies & attempts I always get out all psyched saying I am going to change my life I am going to live up to all my ideals I then lose enthusiasm after stumbling once or twice - then it starts all over. Do I have the capacity to change? Absolutely. Do I have more tools than the last time this happened (less than 12 months ago)? Oh yeah. But will I CHOSE to change and keep moving forward? I dont know.

Here is what my major diagnosis is: http://tinyurl.com/bvvtu8 that plus major depression. Just in case you were curious.