Maybe it's the caffeine.
Lately I've noticed my heart beating. Maybe it has gotten louder. Or maybe I've just started paying attention. I can see my chest twitch, and feel each beat down to my fingertips. All at once, it creeps me out and makes me want to laugh.
Facts & philosophy of the past month.
Nuts, bolts, wood and red spray paint. I haven't yet been able to shake the sense of automaticity I spoke of some time ago. Lab work. Construction for Rocky. Photographs. Life by metronome. I am doing everything I need to do, and yet, I've stopped being able to really care about much. The fire and bedlam I associate with my passions has become a washed-out memory. I still love lab work, and photography, and working with my hands. Just, there is a distinct aspect of vitality missing from everything I'm doing. Or from me. I can't tell. Socially, things have been similar. Where I would once spend nights and days absorbed, lost, in people who fascinate me; I find myself, simply, bored. Or maybe uninterested. I feel dull. Out of focus. I miss things as they were, and as they ought to be.
(Ought ought ought)
Still, there are those few people with whom nights and days run together seamlessly. A day here, an hour there, where senses reawaken and things are as I remember them to have been. I need the right people to ignite me, and let me burn again. A really good human is so hard to find.
Despite this poor feeling of... Shall we say tedium and be done with it? Yes. Well, despite this, things have been seen through to completion with little effort on my part. The car is back on its wheels. New engine and all. The insurance covered it. Everything that Rocky needed has been built. Done a couple of shoots for SG hopefuls which we will soon submit, and I have at least one more planned. The lady who ran the lab I worked at volunteered to write me a "great recommendation" (her words) to any grad school I wish to apply to. Indeed, things are going just as planned. But it's all so hideously mundane. These things happen every day. They are unexceptional. Life has so much more to offer. But I've been unable to keep hold on any of it.
I want my fire back.
Lately I've noticed my heart beating. Maybe it has gotten louder. Or maybe I've just started paying attention. I can see my chest twitch, and feel each beat down to my fingertips. All at once, it creeps me out and makes me want to laugh.
Facts & philosophy of the past month.
Nuts, bolts, wood and red spray paint. I haven't yet been able to shake the sense of automaticity I spoke of some time ago. Lab work. Construction for Rocky. Photographs. Life by metronome. I am doing everything I need to do, and yet, I've stopped being able to really care about much. The fire and bedlam I associate with my passions has become a washed-out memory. I still love lab work, and photography, and working with my hands. Just, there is a distinct aspect of vitality missing from everything I'm doing. Or from me. I can't tell. Socially, things have been similar. Where I would once spend nights and days absorbed, lost, in people who fascinate me; I find myself, simply, bored. Or maybe uninterested. I feel dull. Out of focus. I miss things as they were, and as they ought to be.
(Ought ought ought)
Still, there are those few people with whom nights and days run together seamlessly. A day here, an hour there, where senses reawaken and things are as I remember them to have been. I need the right people to ignite me, and let me burn again. A really good human is so hard to find.
Despite this poor feeling of... Shall we say tedium and be done with it? Yes. Well, despite this, things have been seen through to completion with little effort on my part. The car is back on its wheels. New engine and all. The insurance covered it. Everything that Rocky needed has been built. Done a couple of shoots for SG hopefuls which we will soon submit, and I have at least one more planned. The lady who ran the lab I worked at volunteered to write me a "great recommendation" (her words) to any grad school I wish to apply to. Indeed, things are going just as planned. But it's all so hideously mundane. These things happen every day. They are unexceptional. Life has so much more to offer. But I've been unable to keep hold on any of it.
I want my fire back.
VIEW 21 of 21 COMMENTS
dominanefret:
you should upppdaate. seriously.
alisa:
