therealtexasguy

Moby on the radio....feel like a shell of a man. All the beer has left me thinking of all the sad, fucked up things of my life. The lost friends, the dead relatives, the ex-girlfriends, the fights, the trouble, the pain, the anger, the hatred, the psychosis, the despair....sometimes it's so much it makes me want to vomit, but I never do....

I used to be a cutter. Still have all the scars. God, how I miss that release. That was my relief until I found drugs. Now all I have is alcohol and pills, both of which make me so violent ill at times that it's just a pain in the ass.

Found out some seriously fucked up news while I was in Seattle, about my family history. Depression and psychosis are staples of my bloodline, but so are some other darker things. I won't go into detail, out of respect, but Christmas Eve this year I endured the single hardest moment of my life. It was just a conversation, well, a confession really, but it did more damage to my mind then all the beatens, all the neglect, all the death, and all the horror of my former lives combined....I've attained a new level of depression even morphine can't seem to fix....I just lay around all day smoking cigarettes until I'm sick, then walking down to the store for some a new pack....