thensepia

a small list of things not to do in bed, for the record:

never try to fuck me with your socks on
nipples are not, contrary to popular belief, detachable
don't try to have a conversation, talking or encouragment is fine, but don't ask me about my day while you're inside me
sounds of a chicken are not sexy
don't fucking watch tv while we're having sex
don't quote movies or do impressions, this is the time for originality
don't ever fuck me, immediately get up to leave, and say, 'thanks, it was fun!'
don't not kiss me after i go down on you
don't make overly exaggerated kissy sucking noises, it's silly
don't get offended when we ask you to put on a condom
likewise, don't make lame excuses about why you don't like them, because if you don't use one you can console yourself with your hand in the comfort of your own home after i kick you out
move with a certain grace, that is, don't fuck clumsy
don't promise a certain level of kink if you aren't going to deliver
if i'm going down on you, don't feel like it's necessary to hold out on your orgasm forever...i'm down there to make you come, so come already, because my jaw gets tired after a while. the time to hold out is when you are fucking me, k?
there's more than one position, and variety is the spice of life, so if the only view i am getting is of your ceiling, it's going to get boring soon.