thelibra

...it's as simple as something that nobody knows
...that her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes

i was going to post song lyrics that match to what my mood is or how i'm feeling at the moment. it's quite odd, though. for once, i feel...nothing. however, i'm not numb. i do feel stuff.

emotions. sensations. energies.

*yawns*

perhaps it comes with being tired. maybe it's due to the fact i'm missing someone that i love dearly and i'm also terribly worried for him.

...i lie in my bed
...you're runnin' through my head
...going over and over and over
...the things that you've said
...i'm caught in the trap
...i run like hell right back to you
...cause i'm sober with you
...and you know it beats drinking alone

it's difficult when your lover is half a world away. funny, though. it doesn't change how i feel about him. about us. it's a good feeling that i've got. one that i've never had before. it's intimidating. there is so much to look forward to for us. small and large stuff. the day to day. birthdays. holidays. lazy sundays. ballgames. vacations. tyrades. trials. tribulations. triumphs.

...love don't play any games with me
...any more like she did before
...the world won't wait so i'd better shake
...that thing right out there through the door
...hell i still love you, new york

do i love it here? hmm. some aspects, i suppose. even though i am a born and bred new yorker, i've never felt quite "at home" here. there's something strange about that, no? hell, i've lived in this town for 23 years, minus a few inconsequential stays elsewhere. this should feel like home. why doesn't it? i've never actually found the answer to that question. maybe it's not something i should think about. it might have to do with the fact that anyone who made this town my home [not necessarily family] is gone from here now. that and the sense of family that we had before the bombshell [in april] has been shattered to the point where any hope of a relatively normal [i use this term loosely] family dynamic has been eradicated. it's not something i desire to be around. too much negative energy. it's unhealthy.

...don't worry
...even if things end up a bit too heavy
...we'll all float on alright

i danced and sang to that song with my nephew on my birthday this past september. who knew that set of lyrics would be entirely too relevant to the life of a two year old? i sing it to him every chance i get. he loves it.
i love that kid. and his brat sister, too.

...i found the pieces in my hand
...they were always there, it just took some time for me to understand
...you gave me words i just can't say
...so if nothing else, i'll just hold on while you drift away
...'cause everything you wanted me to hide
...is everything that makes me feel alive

even this far past the breakup, i'm still finding pieces of myself that i'd thought were lost forever. self-rediscovery is awesome. i found that i had put a great deal of myself away in order to be what he wanted. what the hell was i thinking? sheesh. i've come so far since then. sure, it hurt. being decieved is painful, what more can i say?

...the lights go out, the bridges burn
...once you're gone, you can't return



...but i'm still here

i'm still here. what an amazing phrase.

new and improved, with a few new scars, and ready to take on whatever crap comes my way. i'm more than strong enough.