Ok. So. The interview is on hold as of now. It was scheduled for Thursday at 1:00, but potential future boss lady will not be available that day. I offered to clear my schedule for Friday morning. We'll see. 
I hope I get this job...a fraction of the commute for more pay and better benefits. (Matching 401K much?!) Plus it's a casual work environment. And parking isn't a bitch. And it's not 60 miles one way.
No tolls, bridges or roadways that big ass trucks and car carriers are allowed to go on. 
I'm sold already. 
So it's 3:16AM here and the only thing on TV is Domenick Dunne's Power, Privilege and Justice. Seriously. I'm not even tired. Hence my rambling here.
I think the lack of tired is stemming from this headache from hell that I've been battling for nearly four days now. The only thing that seems to alleviate it is caffeine. Whateva.
Maybe it's the return of the tension headaches that I used to get during the 9/11 aftermath; I hope that isn't the case, those can be freaking crippling. Maybe it's a weird-ass migraine. Who the hell knows. Every time that I go in for a scan they find NOTHING, even though I'm obviously symptomatic at the time. I'm not a wimp when it comes to pain, I can take quite a bit before I need to take something, but I HATE being in pain. OMFG. Almost as much as I hate beets and mayonnaise. 
on a serious note...
It was hard seeing him on Saturday night. I cried through most of it. All he could do was stand there, hold me and keep apologizing.
I just wanted to tell him to stop apologizing and come to your fucking senses. We both know we're better off with each other than without. Whatever. I can accept his inner demons, really I can. How the hell can he just throw away two fucking years of something absolutely wonderful and NOT want it to continue...especially after all that we had been through and talked about. He's been my rock, my shoulder, my best friend and my lover; I can't imagine my future without him. I'm so fucking lost and confused. He doesn't think he deserves someone like me; he thinks I deserve someone better. If I wanted someone better I wouldn't have stayed with him. Duh. I know that this whole thing wasn't about me but seriously. He was unemployed and driving a beat up 1998 volkswagen beetle when we met; he didn't have a pot to piss in, let alone a window to throw it out of. Rough around the edges, Sometimes abrasive. But that's him. And I didn't care. I found someone I liked, someone I could get comfortable with. We had this instant connection...I don't know what it was nor can I explain it. I don't think I'm meant to. All I know is that the connection grew into this solid bond...the very same thing that I grew up with that my parents had (and still have). And we grew to love ourselves, each other, and the "us" that he and I had formed. Now I'm just empty handed and broken hearted. And it's killing me.
His mom came to me in a dream (she passed on a while ago
) and told me to take care of him and let him know that she was proud of him. I never told him that. Maybe I should have. Even when I tried to that night he went into this whole "i don't know if i believe in that stuff" dissertation. So I don't know if I should even tell him that. I don't think it will change how he feels about anything.
I'm sorry I've probably bored you all but it was high time that I spilled it. I odn't feel much better but I'm tired now, so I'm going to bed.
I hope I get this job...a fraction of the commute for more pay and better benefits. (Matching 401K much?!) Plus it's a casual work environment. And parking isn't a bitch. And it's not 60 miles one way.
No tolls, bridges or roadways that big ass trucks and car carriers are allowed to go on. I'm sold already.
So it's 3:16AM here and the only thing on TV is Domenick Dunne's Power, Privilege and Justice. Seriously. I'm not even tired. Hence my rambling here.
I think the lack of tired is stemming from this headache from hell that I've been battling for nearly four days now. The only thing that seems to alleviate it is caffeine. Whateva.
Maybe it's the return of the tension headaches that I used to get during the 9/11 aftermath; I hope that isn't the case, those can be freaking crippling. Maybe it's a weird-ass migraine.
Who the hell knows. Every time that I go in for a scan they find NOTHING, even though I'm obviously symptomatic at the time. I'm not a wimp when it comes to pain, I can take quite a bit before I need to take something, but I HATE being in pain. OMFG. Almost as much as I hate beets and mayonnaise.
on a serious note...
It was hard seeing him on Saturday night. I cried through most of it. All he could do was stand there, hold me and keep apologizing.
I just wanted to tell him to stop apologizing and come to your fucking senses. We both know we're better off with each other than without. Whatever. I can accept his inner demons, really I can. How the hell can he just throw away two fucking years of something absolutely wonderful and NOT want it to continue...especially after all that we had been through and talked about. He's been my rock, my shoulder, my best friend and my lover; I can't imagine my future without him. I'm so fucking lost and confused. He doesn't think he deserves someone like me; he thinks I deserve someone better. If I wanted someone better I wouldn't have stayed with him. Duh. I know that this whole thing wasn't about me but seriously. He was unemployed and driving a beat up 1998 volkswagen beetle when we met; he didn't have a pot to piss in, let alone a window to throw it out of. Rough around the edges, Sometimes abrasive. But that's him. And I didn't care. I found someone I liked, someone I could get comfortable with. We had this instant connection...I don't know what it was nor can I explain it. I don't think I'm meant to. All I know is that the connection grew into this solid bond...the very same thing that I grew up with that my parents had (and still have). And we grew to love ourselves, each other, and the "us" that he and I had formed. Now I'm just empty handed and broken hearted. And it's killing me.
His mom came to me in a dream (she passed on a while ago
) and told me to take care of him and let him know that she was proud of him. I never told him that. Maybe I should have. Even when I tried to that night he went into this whole "i don't know if i believe in that stuff" dissertation. So I don't know if I should even tell him that. I don't think it will change how he feels about anything.
I'm sorry I've probably bored you all but it was high time that I spilled it. I odn't feel much better but I'm tired now, so I'm going to bed.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
I would tell him about the dream with your mum. He does not have to believe in it to hear it. While I would suspect it would have no bearing on your situation with him, it might give him some kind of peace and resolution that he desperately needs because of those inner demons. Just a thought.
I want to say that there is something more for you out there, and all of that comforting stuff we are supposed to say when our friends are sad. You know that you are loved, and your friends support you. You know the drill, so I will not drone on and on.
Take care pretty lady.
~cheers