thelefthand

to all the wonderful people at sg...you are about to learn something new about me for this entry is not meant for you. read it if you like but i had to put this down somewhere. i just couldnt figure out where...







i couldnt sleep again. im fucking around on the computer at 530 in the morning because i cant get my mind to wander away from you.still. why do you have to always turn things around just when im letting you go. i cant stand you. you cant stand me. so why would you look at me like that. say those things you do. you and i were a bad mix from the get go. like heroin. addictive. vulgar. comforting. you like to talk about things that we are or were and stuff starring us. US never had a leg to stand on. WE never were so miserable. you used to be so many things to me. and i liked the way your eyes looked when you looked at me. its done again. but you say thats been said before and it has. on again off again i hate it. i dont know where you are, if your living here or somewhere else. i dont even know which one id prefer. i dont know what to tell my freinds when they ask. they try to set me up. they can tell by my face that im not sure where i am.
i heard you come in the other day. at a time when you knew id be sleeping. you grabbed shit out of your closet and cried and i didnt move even though we both knew i was awake. i shouldve said something. maybe that was your place. maybe it was just the way it was meant to be. im tiredd of having you and loseing you.im tired of hating you. i hate you so much. im tired of coming out to the living room to see you on the couch with that look on your face that says "i never did throw my key out for a reason" i love you so much. you never smile at me unless we're apart. we never got along so well as when we broke up for that whole year. it seem like these days you only come back willing to talk for one reason.
and soon enough, he'll be able to comprehend whats going on and it'll affect him. i wont have that for him. you know i wont.you know i love cole too much to let US tax on him like it does to us.but iwont live life unhappy either. i wouldnt want that for you.i love you. i hate you. i keep hoping this time you'll go for good and then i get worried you actually will. i hate my indecisiveness. but i cant live without you. i just cant stand to be around you. idont even know where you are right now. both our familys are 150 miles away so where are you?
you used to be a poet and we were gonna live together on an island and you would write and i would paint and we'd we rich after we died because artists dont make any real money till thier dead. and then you stopped showing your stuff. even to me. i can understand not making that book but why did you cut me off? was that when it started? last week you said you still wanted to do that idea for the show where you wrote how one of my paintings made you feel and we showed them together. i dont wanna just share your art. i wanted to be yours like you were mine. i just wanna look forward to whats to come. be it with you or not. it seems more likely to be not but even thats welcome at this point. make up our minds already. push me away and i'll love you forever. kill US so WE can be happy. im jsut confused and you seem so sure what you want. all i know is i dont want this. we despretly need to handle this now. call me dammit. no, be on my couch tomorrow. or even just call......