Moving day today! I think. The house thing is so confusing...
If not today then who knows... aargh I just want to put my crap there and move in. But red tape is holding us back... updates will follow.
So a recent event has gotten me thinking. Well I'm always thinking about crap but lately I've realized something.
Here's a question for you.
Have you ever been wrong about who you are?
For my answer... I've always thought of myself as a very kind, sensitive, nice guy. I would do anything for my friends and family, and I HAVE done a lot for them. And they would and have done many wonderful things for me as well.
SO... it comes as a shock sometimes when I take a look in the mirror and see a jerk. I am still so nice to my friends, but when it comes to other people I can be blunt, insensitive, and downright rude. Even gossippy. At work I went through a couple weeks of depression and I was a jerk to a lot of people without realizing it. I even realized I was talking about people behind their backs, which is something I HATE very much. That is NOT who I am. But I'm acting that way. Even two days ago I found myself acting that way at work. Granted I don't like those people but still, I am WAY more mature than that.
And then... last night I was supposed to go hang out with somebody I just met. I'm not sure if it was a date or not, but that's inconsequential. What matters is that I had said something offensive to her, and tried to apologize and I think I only made it worse. I come across as very judgemental even when I say "I don't judge you".
And then I think back and wonder what the hell I was thinking.
I have come to the conclusion that even though I thought I had a very realistic self image, I don't know very much about myself at all. I give myself way too much credit in some areas(intelligence, kindness, openmindedness) and not nearly enough credit in others(like my ability to affect people).
Sigh... why the hell are my updates so up/down? I think I alternate between good news and grim introspection.
If not today then who knows... aargh I just want to put my crap there and move in. But red tape is holding us back... updates will follow.
So a recent event has gotten me thinking. Well I'm always thinking about crap but lately I've realized something.
Here's a question for you.
Have you ever been wrong about who you are?
For my answer... I've always thought of myself as a very kind, sensitive, nice guy. I would do anything for my friends and family, and I HAVE done a lot for them. And they would and have done many wonderful things for me as well.
SO... it comes as a shock sometimes when I take a look in the mirror and see a jerk. I am still so nice to my friends, but when it comes to other people I can be blunt, insensitive, and downright rude. Even gossippy. At work I went through a couple weeks of depression and I was a jerk to a lot of people without realizing it. I even realized I was talking about people behind their backs, which is something I HATE very much. That is NOT who I am. But I'm acting that way. Even two days ago I found myself acting that way at work. Granted I don't like those people but still, I am WAY more mature than that.
And then... last night I was supposed to go hang out with somebody I just met. I'm not sure if it was a date or not, but that's inconsequential. What matters is that I had said something offensive to her, and tried to apologize and I think I only made it worse. I come across as very judgemental even when I say "I don't judge you".
And then I think back and wonder what the hell I was thinking.
I have come to the conclusion that even though I thought I had a very realistic self image, I don't know very much about myself at all. I give myself way too much credit in some areas(intelligence, kindness, openmindedness) and not nearly enough credit in others(like my ability to affect people).
Sigh... why the hell are my updates so up/down? I think I alternate between good news and grim introspection.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
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yes, my PMS is extreme, which is why i was reading up on PMDD; apparently it is recognized that there is a hell worse than the standard. it's truly amazing that hormones can do this. i think the most disturbing thing is that these suicidal trips will pass and i just act like "WHEW!" um, that is not normal or funny. it's very scary. so i'm getting on wahtever this help path is. the best i can do for now is let people know around me, like my roommates, it helps when people know why you are getting crazy and they are sympathetic once they know.
but you know what it's like? it's like being on a drug binge or a bender, when you're out of your mind and not yourself. you sober up and :poof: you don't even remeber who that person was. and as someone who doesn't do those things, it's scary to me to be so out of control.
thanks for listening.
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oh YES i DID used to go to Philly stuff. i should get out more...Mallory and i just tend to isolate ourselves together.
hope you are having a good sunday!