thegutterpunk

(final day)
Ok. for those of you who read my blogs regularly, you'll know all about the on/off girlfriend, and how happy/unhappy she makes me.

well, last night i finished it. it took a massive amount of guts and courage, because for the last 18 months she's been a HUGE part of my life.
a lover
a companion
a shoulder to cry on
and a friend.
but i have been second best for the last year in that relationship. i put up with that because i thought there was always a chance we would get together at some point.
in the last few weeks tho, things have changed. since she said we could never be together, i have had to do some serious thinking about us. it took a while but it ended up with a fight last saturday....that was pretty much it. i decided not to contact her since and see how i felt.
last night, i knew i was done.
i texted her and told her i couldn't do this with her anymore, she was ok with it....as we've been down this road many many times.
it wasn't until i said i wouldn't be texting her much, i wouldn't be MSN-ing with her and she would be a 'mate' and not a bestie that it hit home.
she cried.
she didn't admit it, but i know her well enough to know it was true.
i NEED to get that seperation tho, otherwise in a month or so, we'll be back together again, so i need to be strong on this.
i felt like a complete bastard doing this....a COMPLETE bastard. those of you who know me, know this really isnt me. and just as i'm finishing up....?
my Walkman plays this at me....how does it fucking know?



that was one of 'our' songs.
i guess its my music reminding me what a shit i am.
so thats about it really. we will speak, but it will never be the same.
my heart aches and my eyes are hot a lot of the time....but i'll get thru this. i have to.

the smoke from that burnt bridge has certainly made my eyes water.

thanks to Kirin, Moonlil and Tetrisbrokeme for all their help and support during this time....you guys are very special people.

tonights dinner will be sweet and sour pork...yummy!