well....here we go again.
we broke up.
the whole thing is soo hard. because of our relative situations, which i wont go into on this blog.
i've been feeling pretty ignored for about a week, she says she needs some space, from everybody, but wont say why.
since day one, eighteen months ago, i have helped, guided and been a source of strength, whether we've been lovers or friends, which we have been on and off in all of that time. and when she cant or wont tell me something? it hurts.
so, i tried to give her space, i tried SO fucking hard...but i crave her attention..i NEED her to talk to me...cam with me and just think of me and let me KNOW she's thinking of me.
now, i know what you're thinking...it IS unreasonable of me to think like that, and i'm aware it is my biggest and ugliest failing.i'm well aware of how i am, i don't deny it. she knows how i am as well. in the last eighteen months we've been on and off about 4 times, and everytime we've broken up it is because of my need of er attention..sure we both have significant others which doesn't help. but we are soul mates. we are deeply deeply in love.
so...Tuesday night...we fought. it was the third night in a row i had not heard from her. not even a 'goodnight'. i was tired, emotional and i unloaded..we had the most terrible fight, lasting nearly two hours...all via text.
we both said things we regret.
anyway....yesterday, once the anger had left, we talked again.
this time via IM, she told me the problem...the overall problem that she was trying to deal with. if only she could've told me 24 hours earlier. although i think the fight bought it to the fore.
we discussed in length, 4 hours in fact what we need/expect and want from each other. it soon became clear that i expect more than she can give me at the moment, and this, in turn, leads to her feeling pressured and uncomfortable. i wishwishwish i could change. i didn't bullshit her...i told her that is part of me, not a nice part but it will always be there. she accepted that and after so many tears i thought i would need to build an Ark....we split.
this isn't the first time we've split, but it was the most ''rational''. i know of a lot of people who have split up because they don't love each other. we have to split because we love each other too much.
we will remain the closest of friends...how could we not when we know each other so well.
my heart truly aches right now, and tears are never far away.
i miss her so much already...i don't even know when we'll speak again.
i cant explain how this feels. i really cant.
i have had to say goodbye AGAIN to the person who captivates me and truly holds my heart in her hands.
but the worse thing of all? i know she is in floods of tears and feeling exactly the same as me.
Romeo and Juliet have nothing on us.
thank you for reading all of this, and trying to understand.
we broke up.
the whole thing is soo hard. because of our relative situations, which i wont go into on this blog.
i've been feeling pretty ignored for about a week, she says she needs some space, from everybody, but wont say why.
since day one, eighteen months ago, i have helped, guided and been a source of strength, whether we've been lovers or friends, which we have been on and off in all of that time. and when she cant or wont tell me something? it hurts.
so, i tried to give her space, i tried SO fucking hard...but i crave her attention..i NEED her to talk to me...cam with me and just think of me and let me KNOW she's thinking of me.
now, i know what you're thinking...it IS unreasonable of me to think like that, and i'm aware it is my biggest and ugliest failing.i'm well aware of how i am, i don't deny it. she knows how i am as well. in the last eighteen months we've been on and off about 4 times, and everytime we've broken up it is because of my need of er attention..sure we both have significant others which doesn't help. but we are soul mates. we are deeply deeply in love.
so...Tuesday night...we fought. it was the third night in a row i had not heard from her. not even a 'goodnight'. i was tired, emotional and i unloaded..we had the most terrible fight, lasting nearly two hours...all via text.
we both said things we regret.
anyway....yesterday, once the anger had left, we talked again.
this time via IM, she told me the problem...the overall problem that she was trying to deal with. if only she could've told me 24 hours earlier. although i think the fight bought it to the fore.
we discussed in length, 4 hours in fact what we need/expect and want from each other. it soon became clear that i expect more than she can give me at the moment, and this, in turn, leads to her feeling pressured and uncomfortable. i wishwishwish i could change. i didn't bullshit her...i told her that is part of me, not a nice part but it will always be there. she accepted that and after so many tears i thought i would need to build an Ark....we split.
this isn't the first time we've split, but it was the most ''rational''. i know of a lot of people who have split up because they don't love each other. we have to split because we love each other too much.
we will remain the closest of friends...how could we not when we know each other so well.
my heart truly aches right now, and tears are never far away.
i miss her so much already...i don't even know when we'll speak again.
i cant explain how this feels. i really cant.
i have had to say goodbye AGAIN to the person who captivates me and truly holds my heart in her hands.
but the worse thing of all? i know she is in floods of tears and feeling exactly the same as me.
Romeo and Juliet have nothing on us.
thank you for reading all of this, and trying to understand.