thegov

only in the past several years have i realized im not to into being alone. at certian times, yes. often, no thanks. some days are better than others. days when i have plans, or when a friend actually calls me. nights when i have a bunch of tasty beers to distract me. nights when i can actually afford to eat. (yes, i very often pick beer over food, but i drink good beer. it could count as a meal.) these types of days are doable. but, today? today was awful...until about 4 o'clock. i think its just cause i realized only its only an hour (and yes! a full day!) until i could leave. when work is slow, i dont make money. work has been slow. so all in all, today would be about a 5.
and, at one point on my lunch break, while listening to jimmy eat world (i do this from time to time when feeling extra happy, or, really sad. well, JEW or Alkaline trio.) this line jumped out at me...

'i took everything you let me have and then i never loved you back.'

minute 3:35 on 'If You Don't, Don't' off Bleed American

that about sums me up as a boyfriend. i finally realize this. and it doesnt make me happy.

but, i always have this. well, 3 of them.

edit 11/16: i wrote a letter to my ex saying all the things i couldnt over the years. today i got a letter back from her. the tears i have been waiting for finally came. the coming days/months/years are not going to be easy.