thefullnelson

For no specific reason, I went up to Peabody today. I just woke up, started some laundry, got dressed, and started driving. It's a drive that should have taken me fifteen minutes tops, but it took me almost half an hour. I kept taking wrong exits, and actually ended up taking an offramp, somehow went back onto the same highway, headed in the same direction I was originally going before taking said offramp. Maybe there was some part of me trying to make sure I didn't get to my destination today.

I finally arrived at the Northshore Mall, and proceeded to look around. I was hoping to get some Chick-Fil-A chicken nuggets, but as I figured out today, they're closed on Sundays. Bastards. I walked around the mall a bit, went into various stores, hit up the Sam Goody to speak with a few of my possible future co-workers, and left. As I left the parking lot, I took yet another wrong turn, but it was one that I have been meaning to take ever since I moved back here.

I decided to go back to the apartment complex that I lived in when I originally was out here, back before my parents got divorced. I pulled into the driveway, and immediately felt uneasy. I drove past the building we lived in, and remembered one day where the wind kept blowing my lunch money out my hand, and I kept going back inside to ask my dad for more. I think I finally put it into my pocket like he said after the fifth time I had lost my money.

I drove past the playground I used to play in, which is where I first heard about the whole "rainbow-leprechaun" connection. It was a warm evening, and it had rained a bit earlier. The result was me staring in amazement at the display of colors in the sky, after which another kid came up to me and said "If we go to the end of the rainbow, there are people there who will give us gold." I did like any naive child would do, and started running towards this supposed spot of fortune. I got about 100 yards before I realized it wasn't getting any closer. In fact, it started to disappear, so I gave up.

I then drove up the hill where I remember sitting on my bike at the top of this hill when I was younger, and it looked much steeper and bigger than it appeared to me today. One day, I decided to ride down this hill, as I felt I had gained enough experience on my bike to handle it. As I proceeded down the it, a car drove past the bottom, I freaked out, and jumped off of my bike. Despite the fact that the car would have easily cruised past the summit of said hill before I was even halfway down it, I thought I was going to hit hit, so as a result I ended up with many abrasions and both elbows and knees skinned to a bloody mess . I limped back to my house, sobbing the whole way, and required many an adhesive bandage to cover my wounds.

I continued on my trek around the complex, and ended up back at entrance of it. It was there I recalled that fateful morning almost fifteen years ago, when my mother's parents came to help us on our move to Georgia, and unbeknownst to me, begin my life without my father being involved on an everyday basis. I remember playing "Crystalis" on my Dad's Nintendo, my father's parents coming to say goodbye, and that they'd see me soon. I was too happy that I was playing that game, and that I had Nintendo fruit snacks for breakfast to even have even remotely an idea as to what was going on. Soon enough, I got into the moving truck, waved goodbye to my grandparents, and ate some more Mario and Princess Peach-shaped confectionaries before we departed.

I don't think I could have felt this uneasy (And somewhat upset) back when I left, as I do right now. I actually didn't really understand the whole divorce thing for quite a few years. I was under the impression that my parents were just going to be living apart from eachother, and that I wouldn't see my dad very often. Eventually, my mother told me that my father basically said that he didn't love her anymore, and that he didn't want to be a father or a husband. I naturally was a bit upset, but I have come to realize over the past few years, that my father does love me and my siblings, but wasn't ready for the responsibility of three kids and a wife back then. I also have realized that he was only 4 years older than I am now when this occured, and I know I am not ready for something like that, and may not be for quite a few years.

I've always wanted to confront my father on this subject, especially since I live so much closer to him, but never seem to get the words out of my mouth. We always fall into the same conversations about my naive sister, my extremely talented (But somewhat unmotivated) brother, and of course, the one thing my father and I have always shared, pro-wrestling. After my journey today, I'm left wondering if I should just leave my inquiries to myself, or if I should just put it all on the table and hope for some deeper understanding on this issue.