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thefullnelson

Parts Unknown!

Member Since 2004

Followers 28 Following 34

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Sunday Jan 08, 2006

Jan 7, 2006
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I am not achieving anything with my current state of affairs. And while I'm "just okay" with life in general, I am not as happy or enthused as I would like to be.

Professional life? Non-existent.

Social life? Falling apart at it's thinly-stitched seams.

Sex life? While I just should be happy I have one, it is in no way what it should/could be.

And the blame for all of this mostly lies on my end, as expected.

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I have always considered myself to be a "Jack of All Trades, Master of None" type of person. Most of what I've attempted to do, I've accomplished, albiet with varying degress of success. But as I've come to realize recently, that isn't something I should take pride in. Quite a while ago, boundcreature posed a question wherein he asked "Would you rather do one thing exceptionally? Or four things mediocre-ally?. I'm taking the former option, but I wish I could say that there is one thing I can do exceptionally. I'm tired of being lost in the shuffle of the average... I'm just tired of being lost altogether. I want something to push me out of the ordinary. Most of the people I associate with seem to have found what seperates them from everyone else...

I have friends who are artists. Creativity abound, the artwork I'm shown astounds me. Every time.

Friends who work with computer hardware and software for large business firms. A grasp on technology provided only from years of studying and the ability to work with the constantly advancing landscape of the industry.

Friends who are paid to pose in front of cameras. Thier beauty, outside and from within, shows through in every frame. Every click of the shutter presents an opportunity to show who and what they are to countless others.

Friends who are teachers, lawyers, even aircraft technicians, the list goes on and on. They all never cease to amaze me. And it's hard not to become envious once in a while.

And not to knock on my friends who are also in retail, but I really hate the fact that I'm still doing it to just "get by". I'm at the beckon call of a faceless group of individuals who are willing to jump on any trend to make a quick buck, even if they're jumping on the bandwagon too late. It's a completely thankless occupation, and to tell you the truth, it bothers me to tell people what I do for a living. No one wants to hear about how I helped some kid find the latest Jay-Z CD, only to have him try to steal it because we charge six more dollars than Best Buy does, in the hopes that we'll make five dollars more profit off of that one item than our competitors do. I can't even count how many times someone has asked me what my occupation was, only to be apologetic or even disappointed when they hear my reply. I don't really blame them, retail doesn't require anything amazing, other than the ability to put up with people's shit on a daily basis.

This current mindset came down upon me a few weeks ago. As usual, the holiday rush makes me absolutely dread my occupation. But this year, something else was nagging at me, telling me I needed to move on. And it manifested itself last week, where I was informed of the company's current financial woes. My position is safe for at least another six months, maybe even a year. But, I know that in a year's time, I don't want to be involved with the company, or retail, at all. But I can't even begin to think of what I could do instead. Over five years in the same occupation has given me a bit of tunnel vision, and a bit of a fear of trying to do anything else. It's also stifled any sort of creativity I used to have.

My family has always told me that I have so much potential, but that I'm just not using it. It's not like I don't want to. I just don't know where that potential lies, so I have no idea what I should be putting my efforts into. Sure, I've had my fair share of "dreams" I've wanted to pursue, but it seems like that's all they can be, dreams. When I was eleven, I wanted to be a "futuristic colony leader". Basically, I wanted to be in charge of building colonies on other planets. Lack of an interest in the currently stalling space program nixed that one. Then, at thirteen, I was sure I was going to be a video game developer/designer. But when I realized that all of my ideas were just re-makes of "The Legend of Zelda" and "Final Fantasy" games, I stopped thinking about it. While I was in high school, I enrolled in an Electronics program, and took a quite a liking to it. After looking at my progress in the program and my preference towards math and logic, I was told I could make it as an Electrical Engineer. I went to college after graduating, and unforunately, at that point in time, college was not something I could feasibly focus on. And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I can any time in the near future either.

But, there has always been one dream that's followed me through my years. As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a professional wrestler. The showmanship and athleticism some of these individuals display is amazing. I have nothing but respect for anyone who puts thier body at risk as they do. It has always been something I've been willing to attempt, but I have yet to take the neccessary steps needed to start. Right now my problems lie in financial stability and personal health. Once I find a stable occupation and get some of my innards tweeked, I'm sure I could devote more time to that pursuit.

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So, yeah, my sex life. It's okay, if you consider me not being able to keep my mind on the situation at hand when it arises a good thing. I don't know what it is. She's beautiful, and has an amazing body, quite possible the best body I've had the privilege of viewing first-hand, so it's not a matter of attraction. Everything goes swimmingly until it gets to the point of getting into the thick of things. Anxiety sets in, I get nervous, a random song (Usually New Order) runs through my mind, and it, along with my libido go out for lunch. I will admit, she does intimidate me a bit. She's a bit older than me, and seems to have everything going the way she wants with her life and such. Let's not even get into the possible experience factors at play here. I also think she's definitely more into this as just a physical thing than I am. I'm one of those weird people who feels uncomfortable being intimate in situations where there's no idea of who's feeling what. Maybe I need to learn to let go of that notion, as it's only proving to be an embarrassment for me so far. Or just relax, as she suggested. It's only sex, right?
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
boundcreature:
orientation was excellent. if only i could have more time in the day to get everything caught up though...
Jan 12, 2006
william_miller:
I have to warn you: Wag The Movie is like MST3K... but we like our dick jokes.

Seriously. Our last one featured about five minutes of discussion on size.

Mostly because we decided to go sans pants. "Pants = Love? Well then, no pants = more love!"

That, and I'm the most offensive person ever on the show.

But, go ahead, suscribe to us. We'll give a shout-out to ya. biggrin
Jan 12, 2006

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