thefly

I always thought that having an infatuation was better than not. Y'know, as long as there was one that had your interest then at least you had thoughts and lewd acts to do alone in the night that kept you going. It's like having a goal. I've just realized that I haven't had one for the longest time. The last one was back last summer and involved this site (ended up a bad experience, I can't discuss it here). But now infatuation has reared its ugly head. At first I was elated (that could have something to do with the alcohol too, but anyways...) just happy that while there was no chance in hell that things could end in a happy way, I could at least enjoy the ride. But now thoughts of this girl haunt me (her and Lost... why the fuck am I dreaming of Lost every goddamn night?!). I want to have a chance meeting with her to see if things were as they were that night. Chance meetings were never that common between her and I so having one isn't very likely. Or not. Let there be a deliberate meeting. The situation is kind of awkward but a deliberate meeting, instigated by her, could prove quite a bit.

Why instigated by her? Because she instigated the last one and has placed me in this fugue. And, quite frankly, she was almost drunk and I could have based this entire new mode of thinking on the ramblings of an inebriated party. Yeah, proof that she wasn't just drunk and talking out her ass would be nice. Even a text message. As it is, my luck with women have never been good and most of those times began something like this. And she might be a little crazy (crazy women like me). And I'm desperate for attention. I'd love to do something beyond sitting in this house, building websites and hanging out on SG. I'd love to be part of someone else's life, to have another person to confirm my existence.

But I have bad luck with friends and family as well so all of that doesn't seem possible. God, is it that difficult to find someone who'll put up with me. I'm not hard to get along with. I'm like the half Beagle-half Jack Russell my father has. I am yours as long as you pay me some attention. It sucks to be that desperate for attention.

I've come to the realization finally that I don't belong around here. I thought a year ago that maybe I did. My romantic mind loves the idea of this illicit potential relationship taking off (we did bond that night if it wasn't alcohol talking) and we disappearing from this backwoods town, her leaving her ties, we both disappearing from family and those made angry, and I making her happy, which she isn't.

Ah, we romantics explode in the biggest funeral pyres!