thefisherking

I've talked on here in the past about how I suffer from seasonal depression. The past few years the winters have actually been quite easy for me. I was due for a bad one and this winter while not the worst has decided to remind me how hard it is. And of all the months of the year February is the worst to go through. For me, fall and spring are far worse than winter. I get depressed every year, I know how to deal with it. Falling into depression and climbing out always suck. During the fall it's like being a tree. The color leeches out of you and then bits of you start dying and falling off. All you want is to get to the end of the process. When you're just a barren, twisted piece of wood. Mimicking a living being. Spring is just as hard. It's like going through puberty again because you start feeling things beyond base emotion. At the same time the transformation isn't even so you'll be fine one minute and the next you're catatonic on the floor for no other reason than you saw a cute dog and you know it's going to die one day. February is the start of this for me. This month has never been easy. My mood swings have been all over the place. I've upped the time I spend sitting under my light to an hour just so I can be 80% myself and not yell at my dog for being a puppy. I think February is the roughest because of two things; A) I know at some point I'll be me again. I want that time to be now and I can start to feel it coming. B) The days in January aren't quite long enough to give me enough emotion to have mood swings but in February they give me just enough to be a bastard. I often describe coming out of a depression like this, imagine you're climbing out of your grave while zombies try to devour you and pull you down. That's how I feel anyway.