theduke

Feeling a bit funked today. Peaks and troughs, swings and roundabouts, fuck if my mood swings get any more severe I may have to check to see if I've hit the menopause.

Found a copy of some stuff I wrote to Ellie over Christmas. I'm still crazy about her, I've been trying to move on but I've really just been in denial.

She doesn't want to be in a relationship, I've got to come to terms with this, I can't pretend I can convince her. She doesn't know what she wants. Her parents split last year, she doesn't have faith in the long term anymore.

But I'm the one pushing her away. I don't want to get hurt and don't want to try the casual thing so I won't be kidding myself and get strung along in the process. But at the moment we're both hurting. I said I'd meet her in an hour but I'm not sure what I'm going to say. We definitely need to talk though.

I'm at fork, on one side I push her away, get over it, go to a party on Saturday and see Hatty. The other, I confess my feelings and hope she feels the same. If she still only wants casual, do I make the compromise? I don't love her, but she is great.

Am I emotionally dependant or desperate for a shag?

Real life makes the most interesting stories, but it's a bugger to act out.

Wish me luck people. I'm going to the bar, need some firewater.